sorry it has been so long

Sorry it has been a while since I posted. Not much has gone on to report about. I am still waiting. I went on vacation the end of July then Tim and I are going away for our 5 year anniversary which is August 28. We are leaving that weekend for Traverse City. I know it will be fun and keep my mind off of stuff and my 28 year birthday is the 23 of August. I hope this is the month for good news keep the fingers crossed.
Some days are hard. Emotions are up and down but I know I am good at masking all the emotions, I have been doing it since my dad was ill so I have had practice. Although I don't want people to think I am being a fake person because I hate that I just don't want to be negative or a downer. Don't want to bring people down with me. I am not like that. I try to exercise with Tim in town to I guess they say it relieves stress but when I run all I do is think. It is like right before you go to bed for some reason I just think about what I wish I can change or do same way for me when I run. Really there is nothing I can do or change so I try to get it out of my head so it doesn't consume my every thought because that can change your mood quiet a bit. When I try to change my mood to happy and positive it does work for a few days maybe some times even 2 weeks but then the things that raddled me start to creep under my skin again and then it is hard to get out of that funk. I just am sick of crap coming down and with no view of things looking up. That can get you down and wear you out after a while. I am asked constantly about how is the adoption. Well it is rounding a year and no body See's a baby in my hand yet so here we go with another year. It gets to be discouraging. I am just venting now so that I will feel better later and maybe for a few more days. Right now all I want is to be happy. I wrote a list the other day of what I am appreciative for to keep things in perspective. Lets start with the negative then end with the positive on my appreciation list. Negative is I have been struggling to have a family for 4 years with infertility and now a adoption for a year. I have gained some weight that I struggle to get off from the invetro. I will never see, hear or hug my dad again. That is a huge downer because he was my number one supporter always and was always there for me and I wouldn't be this bad if he didn't pass I would feel more normal if that didn't happen. Life changed so it is hard to get control over my life which is hard for me because I always orchestrated my life and kept it on a path always reaching higher and now I feel it spiraled out of control and I am trying to hold on to it. My mom started dating 4 months after my dad passed and now has changed guys since then and meet a new guy in December and is now wanting to marry him in June. When I call her or she calls me all she wants to talk about is her and her boyfriend and can give a crap to ask how I am doing just to tell me how great and wonderful her life is all the time which I think I keep it all together rather nice. She doesn't know I pull the phone away from my ear for a little bit as to not want to scream at her and say selfish. She has yet to come to my house and visit in the past 2 years that is has moved and I have visited her 2 times and she keeps on bugging me when are we going back out to SEE HER. Hahaha. My brother can give a crap about me he only calls when he wants something or if I call him he rushes me off the phone all the time he can't be bothered even though my mom gave him practically her house so she can move in with her boyfriend and I had her live here a year with my dad, brother and mom and didn't get a dime or any appreciation for that matter. I by the way don't want anything but it is the point of the matter she and my brother can even just appreciate that we had them here and all the stuff that went on here. Don't want to get into all of that mess. And now my mom is getting married and then tells me if she can get married in my back yard here. No she didn't ask me she said she was thinking about it. If you can see I have no support of my family besides Tim who has been my number one fan after my father's passing (because my dad always was) and that makes me want a family even more then ever. My heart cries for a child and a family. I can't wait to take them Trick or Treating and dress them up, have Christmas with the family, take a million pictures of there first day of school, participate in there bake sales and Christmas parties, there field trips, take them on there first vacation to Disney, and playing with them and hearing them do that cute kid giggle like they are having the most fun. I can't wait for all these things and though I try to wait patiently my patients is tending to wear thinner and thinner now a days.
Okay lets get back on track. Now what I appreciate. I appreciate my husband he is the best and has been there for me in the best of times and in horrible times and always trying to lift my spirits. I am sure I stress him out but I always tell him thank you for making me smile. I appreciate my house and my car and the land we have. I appreciate my mother and father in law they are great. I appreciate the time I have had with my dad and how he did get to walk me down the isle. I appreciate my friends. I appreciate my health as well as Tim's health. I am very appreciative of that. I appreciate that we both have a job in this ruff economy. I appreciate that we have what we have. I appreciate our cottage. I appreciate that we have a means to adopt as some people do not so they wouldn't get there dream to become a parent and I appreciate that we can do that. I appreciate the support I had by cards we received expressing there sympathy for my dad and trying to give me strength. I appreciate that I meet time and I found that one special person in my life that does support me in my ups and downs.
All in all I know everyone says everything happens for a reason but I am still trying to figure it all out as to why this stuff happens. I am working on it and myself and hope that my dreams will come true and that I can be eternity happy. Ultimately that is all I want to be happy.

Nothing much going on here

This weekend up north beautiful sunset.
We had fun our friend Scotty and Alita's wedding.

We danced the night away and played with the two beautiful twin flower girls Allison and Madison. They had a ball. Not much news on the adoption at this point still have our fingers crossed and hope all are praying with us that our dreams to become parents come true.

I got to see Haley Marie

So I got to go over my friends house and see there new baby girl yesterday. Which was funny because her due date was yesterday. She is really cute and she was really good when I was there. I practically held her the whole time we were there. Se only cried once and that was when she wanted her diaper changed. They look happy to have her but tired. I think she keeps them on there toes. But all in all I am happy for them.
Nothing going on with the adoption yet still praying and waiting for that day to come when it is finally my turn. But I know when that day comes all this waiting will feel well worth it to have a child.

Congratulations!

Congratulations goes out to our friends who had a baby Girl on Tuesday June 30. Hailey Marie who is 8 lbs and if I remember correctly 21 inches. Just wanted to congratulate them. She came early. Her due date was July 5th but lucky for them she came early. Have not seen the baby yet but called and when they are up to it they will have us over.
Nothing new with the adoption just still awaiting that day for that very important call. :)

What I have decided

I have decided to keep this blog and to only discuss things I don't mind everyone knowing. I would still like to share somethings but not everything If I don't want some people to know and I will keep that to myself. Not much going on with the adoption. It is just a waiting game as all who are doing the adoption with me know it can take months or years. We unfortunately have no magic ball to tell us when it is our turn. This blog and I feel for others who are going through this same thing with adoption blog to share there feelings and events with others who know what they are going through. I didn't shut down this blog after thinking about it because I think this blog can also help others that are just starting the process or are going through some infertility to show that it is okay and that they are not the only ones. I have a friend (no names because personal) that is going through her own turmoil with infertility. It is not an easy thing. I think being able to see my blog and see others I follow helps her see that she is not alone and that others have gone through so much more that she hasn't even begun to go through. I try to be a good friend and support her even though it sometimes gets hard because what she does seems to reflect on me because everyone knows my situation and not hers. I can honestly say that I will be perfectly okay if I was never pregnant. Now that is not to say that I will be okay without a child because that would be a down right lie. All I want is a family and a child to bring joy and happiness into our lives but I don't care one bit if I never experienced pregnancy. It seems a lot harder on my friend because she does so badly want to experience that. I think most of my friends beside her don't know how to talk to me or feel even funny being around me knowing my circumstance which I think they shouldn't. I feel if anything my friend has more issues with the situations and feeling uncomfortable then myself but I of course unfortunately feel I take the brunt of all that. I feel like I have even lost some friends or friendships I once had because of the situation which is unfortunate. I only say that because the same people I use to see or hang out with all the time stop calling me or asking us to do stuff. Now you would say that maybe they were busy or something else but the truth is that I would hear that they hang out with others besides ourselves unless in big groups where we all come together. I wish things can be the way they use to but you know how that goes and I am not one to speak about or tell about others situations or words because I feel eventually that all works out it hasn't yet but I hope in time. I guess I just needed to wright this to get somethings off my chest. I of course didn't explode with all the emotions that I am feeling or thinking but I think I got my point and feelings across. I think people can understand how I am feeling and I know I bounced around whether to say any of this or not. I can't stand drama and issues and I feel like they are coming into my life unwanted. I am just this year starting to piece back the puzzles in my life after falling apart with my dad then the invetro and now the adoption. I feel this way we only have one life and we don't know if it can be over tomorrow, a week, a month or 50 years we just have to enjoy it while it is here and grab life and go with it. Do each day as if it was your last day and smile, laugh play, remember what it was like to be a child and not have pressure or worry and try to bring that feeling to everyday. Now I know that it is easier said then done trust me we regardless are going to have our ups and downs and we have to make more ups and more smile then downs. We have to be grateful for what we have and the people we have now not who we can't or don't have and stay happy. How you are and what you do seems to rub off on other people. I just had to say my peace because this is where I am in my life at this moment. I don't care what people think or have to say about me anymore. I don't care if they look at me weird anyone that needs to do that must not be happy with themselves and I am. I have learned that you have to love yourself before you can love others. I had so much hate after all that is happen I felt like I hated everyone for a while. I know that sounds harsh but it is true. I learned that once you can look in the mirror and love yourself you can bring others into your life with love. That is all I have to stay and hope that some people take that with them.

Good luck and hope for the best

I know on our blogs we talk about adoption and infertility but I just wanted to say good luck to Tim and I's good friend Mark and Tricia. They are having there baby due on July 5 but you know they can be due any time. I wish them the best it is there first baby and I know Tricia is nervous because of the unknown. Lucky for them they never had to experience infertility but I still wanted to say good luck and hope all goes well for them.
No I don't have an update on the blog situation but I am working on it and hope to get an answer by tonight.

Happy Father's Day!

I just wanted to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day in Heaven. I miss you dad. This week is suppose to be a hard week but I am going to try to make it happy. Today is Father's Day so of course I think of my dad who I don't have. I also think of my husband Tim. I was trying to make today a happy day by keeping myself busy all day. it is 7:43 pm and I finally slowed down. I cleaned the house today and cut the grass then groceries and then went to Blockbuster on the way home to rent a happy go luck movie "Yes Man". It was good. It is not the greatest movie ever or anything but it put a smile on my face when I watched it with Tim and that is all I was asking for. Now getting to my issue with Tim I get home and we go to watch the movie and she said he was a little down today. I never hear him say that. I think that is because he is always trying to be strong for me but he saw I was happy go lucky so I think he thought I could handle what he was going to tell me. He says I was kind of down today. I was like down (in my mind) when is he ever down it is always me and never him and now I am doing good and he isn't?. Then he said I had 3 people in different stores on line say Happy Father's Day to me and he said "I am unfortunately not a father" and I can tell it bothered him. He then asked me if I thought he would ever be a father and told him of course. Then I can tell he knew I was concerned so he said lets watch the movie then he hugged me and held me in his arms. I felt really bad. I never knew it effected him that much. I know he doesn't like to talk about it with me or anyone he always says everything is fine and this time he actually admitted it. I think he was doing the same thing I was and trying to keep busy but for a different reason then me. Right now he decided to go golfing with one of his childhood friends Jimmy I think so he wouldn't think about stuff. This week is also hard because on Tuesday June 23 is 2 years since my dad has passed. I contemplated whether I should stay home from work or not because I didn't know how I would feel but then I decided what am I going to do at home dwell. I know dad you wouldn't want me to do that so I am going to keep myself really busy that day as to not remember that day which turned out to be the worst day of my life I want it to be more happy. So I told Tim today that we are going to get a call on Tuesday with some good news. I don't know what the news is but that if we believe that 100% with out doubt then it will come true. So I told him to believe that this is going to happen and we are going to have something to look forward to rather then not. I heard about this one book "The Secret" and there is movie for it too that tells you how to be positive and if you believe it and see it in your bind with out any negative thoughts it would come true I figured what do I have to loose so I am thinking that way about Tuesday some good is going to come out of that day.
As for this blog I think I should and hope to have answer to what I am going to do tomorrow but I wanted to share this and I didn't get a chance to do anything yet. Hope all is well with all of you and no, there is not news or anything going on with the adoption. Hopefully I will get my happy ending on Tuesday when I am thinking my thoughts and trying to see it come true. Till then talk to you all soon.

Not sure if I am going to use a new user name

I am not sure if I am going to use a new user name. I might make a new blog and only accept my blogging friends . I might want to keep my information between people who know what I am going through and understand my issues. I am thinking about it and I will let you know when I figure out what I will be doing.

We have a friend in labor are prayers are with her.

We have a family friend that is pregnant and has been going through infertility for years. The first time she did in-vetro it didn't work. The second time she did it which was last year she was pregnant and lost the baby at 5 months. This year she tried in-vetro again and got pregnant with triplets and her baby shower was this past Sunday but unfortunately she was not there for it because she was in the hospital. On this past Saturday her water broke and she is only 6 months pregnant. One baby is 1lb 2 oz and the other 2 are under 1lb. We heard from them on Saturday and then again last night and the hospital was trying to stop the contractions but they think she is going to have the babies today. We are all praying for her. She wants a baby so bad and has gone through so much and I hope she gets her dream. I pray that the babies and herself are going to be okay. I hope all of you will pray for her and those little babies. Thanks

Went to Buffalo New York this weekend

I just got back from Buffalo NY. I went to see a friend that I have know since I was little and I haven't seen her in 5 years. She currently is in the orthodontic program in school. No Buffalo New York is not were I lived. I lived on Long Island which is a completely different world. I went to Buffalo to visit this friend that is getting a divorce and a lot of stuff that she has found out that hurts and he anniversary to this guy is this Wednesday which made her sad. I won't get into all the personal details but it was him and not her. I am not just saying that as a friend but it truly was him who was the issue. But any way I went down there and I felt like I was facing my obstacles. I love my dad to death (god rest his soul) but I try not to think about the time he died or his time living in this house in hospice because for obvious reasons it brings me down and gets me upset. My friend Keri who I visited has not seen me since my dad's passing which like I said previously I saw her last 5 years ago and on June 23 it will be 2 years since my dad has been gone. I knew it would be hard but boy was it a lot harder. The first thing when I walk in the door her eyes wheeled up with tears and she said where is your dad. She knows that he was gone but it became a reality for her because when I saw her she saw him too and I would see he mom. Then I started to tear up it was hard. She wanted to hear the details from beginning to end and I felt like I had to re live it all over. It was really difficult. I pushed through and then we talked about her husband or soon to be ex and she is just devastated. She is 27 years old and she hates to say she is divorced at such a young age but like I told her she tried to work it out and he just gave up and threw in the towel and there was nothing for her to do. The problem is she was up set down and depressed and I was not sure if I wanted to drive 4 almost 5 hours to visit her because she has done things in the past that hurt. When we were young we meet through figure skating and she we were really close. We would make plans to hang out and on occasion her friends would call her up about a party and she would ditch me to go to the party and I had to call my mom to pick me up. Now she would ask if I wanted to go but I didn't want to go with a group of her friends and her friends were kind of snotty and stuck up and I was not like that. They went to a private school and parents had a lot of money and they thought they were better and that was not my crowed of people so I wouldn't go. But we made plans first so I thought as a true friend you would be there but I just would get over it. Then as we got older when I was getting married I invested her to my wedding and she made a comment not just like this but the her point was made that she was not going to go unless she stood up in the wedding. I did that for her. My wedding was in August and in June right before my shower she said she couldn't go because she just got into dental school and didn't have the money. I felt like another slap in my face but she went to the shower my mom threw in NY. I had my wedding and no card no call or nothing. I am not even asking for a gift just that you acknowledge that we got married and that you congratulate us. Then I talked to her 2 other times after the wedding and then I didn't here from her for 2 years not on my behalf. I call her 2 months after my fathers passing to tell her and she tells me that she is married out of no where. Well I was a little hurt that I didn't know about it but she said at the time it was a little wedding in the back yard with close friends and family. I let that go. I have talked to here in these 2 years maybe 5 times and I call her most of those times. She called me in April 2 months after she went to a lawyer for the divorce to tell me what was going on. Then I kept calling her after to ask if she would like me to come out and visit and be there for her in the difficult time. I would leave messages and not hear from her for a while then she would call and say that day doesn't work. So my point is this Thursday she calls me to visit this weekend which is so last minute because she needs a friend and is stressed about all that is going on. I debated whether for go out or not with as you can see her track record. I talked to my mom and my other friend to see what they would do. Point of story I decided to go out there because I knew I would feel bad if I didn't and let her down. I find out that she had a elegant wedding with 130 people and 7 people on each side stand up and it was at a nice place and I wasn't even invited. I told her she told me it was in her back yard she swears up and down that she didn't tell me that but I know she did or that would have swayed my decision to go and visit because I would have said ask one of your better friends to go out there but I didn't say anything when she told me and it bothered me the whole rest of the weekend. Not only that but when we would talk she couldn't even put down her black berry and was on her computer I Ming her friends that by the way did stand up in her wedding to talk about her problems with divorce as she is talking to me. I thought that was so rude. We had fun over all but I feel so played and stupid. If I would have know I would never have gone out there.I know she still doesn't know that I am mad and I am contemplating if I should tell her or not how I feel. She kept telling me when I left thank you so much for coming you are one of my best friends but I think that is crap sorry to be harsh but I would never treat my friends as she had done. I just wanted to get some feed back on the situation. I don't know if I was right to keep my mouth shut to avoid confrontation or to tell her how I feel and get it off my chest. I guess I am just hurt and feel stupid. Sorry this is off the topic of adoption but I don't have anything going on with that. I am just frustrated and wished things where different. All I want is a friend that will treat me the way they want to be treated. I try to do that with people and I feel like I am the one that gives to much and must expect to much. All I ask from her is to put down the black berry and the computer and focus on that I came all the way out to her by my self to be there for her and I was missing my husband the whole time and wish in ways that I would have stayed home and I wouldn't have to feel this angry toward her but I probably would have felt bad that I let her down not knowing all this other stuff. I don't know I am just mad and frustrated with people.

Sorry it has been so long

So sorry it has been so long since I posted. Hope you didn't think I feel of the planet. Not much has gone on. I have talked to DHS (Department of Human Services), they deal with foster care and also adoption. I don't know were I am at, at this point. I go on websites and see all these children that are waiting for parents but the children at 4 and older. I always said infant, infant but I think that is because when you go through infertility all you think of is infants I don't feel like I have really thought about older children until just recently. I am not saying older like a 12 year old or anything like that but older than an infant. I have talked to people and everyone has mixed feelings. DHS is in every state and every county. You will not believe what they charge for adoptions through them. They charge $160 for legal fee and $40 for birth certificate. When I heard that I almost feel off my chair. If you have read my blog you know that I don't quit. I keep trying to find out different ways to get the word out and get our info in as many places and use as many outlets as I can. I talked to my agency and they stated that they can keep us on the list as we transfer our foster license to DHS. Which is pretty cool because then we are on both lists and if our agency get a baby for us we just need to transfer the license back. For those of you new to adoption the foster license is so you can take the baby from the hospital with out the child going into foster care then when the adoption is finalised you would get the child. The foster license allows us to foster the baby until the adoption is finalised. Also I talked to an adoption lawyer and he has a free list for adoption that he put us on. If interested you should check in your state. I went in the yellow pages and looked under lawyer and then looked under adoption lawyer. There are family law lawyers but they deal a lot with adoption within a family like a step mom or dad adopting. So you can call an adoption lawyer in your state and see if they have a free list you can go on. Of course to warn and let you know if you missed it, it of course is free because you would have to pay the lawyer to finalize and do your adoption versus your agency. I know more money that is what I said but he said it shouldn't be any more than $5,000 and he said that is on the high end if it was a hard adoption. So of course I said why not another list to be on. The list he has is due to him working with pregnancy crisis centers that refer pregnant women to there firm when they wish to make an adoption plan. I had to give the lawyer 5 copies of our profile to hand out and I had to fill out information on what type of baby we were willing to take and info about us. Stuff like that so you might want to look into that in your area. I stumbled across that one. If you do also decide to talk to DHS in your area about possible adopting from them I should warn you there are some questions you should first ask. I just know that from this Memorial day my brother in-laws friend Jen use to be a social worker for DHS in Chicago. She is now a pharmacy rep but she gave me a lot of pointers to ask because every state is different and she didn't know the laws in Michigan. She said to ask how many adoptions do they do a month and how many of those adoptions are kin-ship adoption (meaning relatives, family members adopting). The second ask how they get baby's to be adopted out of there facility because usually when a birth mom goes to DHS it is because she is not willing to give up her parental rights. Another question was if I wanted to try to adopt over the age of 2 years old can I be put on the foster care list to only foster children that parental rights were terminated. I have thought about foster care but my husband is defiantly opposed so I decided not to go through with fostering. He says he doesn't want to be mean but he would put a wall up so he didn't get hurt when they left. I have to admit I think I would be really upset I just wanted to help the child and put a smile on there faces but if Tim is not in I can't move along I want us to both be on the same page but he did agree to fostering a child that parental rights were terminated. Jen said from her experience that over the age of two the children if in the system have issue's and I knew that but she says to first foster to see if you can handle it. She said that the first 2-3 months the children are just wanting to please you then after that they will start to revert back to old behaviors and maybe hit and start wetting the bed and yelling and she said to try it out to make sure it is a good fit. When called DHS they said that they get the new Born's from when parents rights have been terminated already from the other children and they keep getting pregnant. She said they do 75-100 adoptions in a month and 40-50% are kin-ship adoptions. She said that if we only want to foster a child that rights have been terminated she can do that. She said when you foster a child you can ask for what ever you want to watch or can handle. So that is some info that I have got. I figured I would share with you in case you may be interested. That means we would be on 3 different lists which I figure will increase our chances of adopting. I hope this helps. If not that is what is going on with me and what I have found. I am existed and hope it works. Thanks for listening and until next time. Talk to you all soon.

Got through the weekend

I had a baby shower this weekend for one of our friends. Well everyone knows my circumstances so as we had to watch our friends be in baby bliss opening gifts and my table all watching my reaction to her opening gifts. That was hard but I put a big smile on my face and acted as I was so excited. You would think that if everyone knew my circumstance they would not make it so obvious to look at me and make me feel so uncomfortable in a situation were I was already walking in uncomfortable. They kept asking about my adoption. What am I suppose to say. I feel like they just asked me just to ask because they don't know what to say. But obviously nothing is going on with adoption or everyone would know. It was a little weird I have to admit. The first time I had to go to a baby shower nobody knew my circumstances but my mother in law and so it made it easy because no eyes were on me. Then we had a baby shower for 3 people at work and the office was looking at me and the mother's it felt like they felt uncomfortable to be excited of there gifts in front of me because that was just after I found out the invetro didn't take. I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. But this shower was a close friend to all of us so it made it feel even more uncomfortable of course I knew more people and they knew my situation which of course made it harder. What was I suppose to do. I am just happy I got through it. I am just not to be mean but honest I am sick of going to baby showers. I know I keep telling myself one day it will be me but they just feel harder and harder to go to and this last one felt the hardest. When you are trying to sit back and be as calm and normal as possible when you feel envious and when is it my turn, and why and then you have everyone looking at you it makes it that much harder to be normal and comfortable.These friends who had the baby shower are the friends that had a baby the first month they tried. The situation was this. I let everyone know last June and July that we had problems and did the in vetro and it didn't work and that we were going to adopt. I can tell that a lot of people thought I was just jumping into adoption but they didn't understand because they didn't know when we started trying and they didn't know we were struggling to get pregnant. All they knew and found out at once was that we had trouble and we were adopting. So we had people tell us to keep trying it takes time but I had to explain to them that I know this is new to you but this is really old to us. You are just finding out and we have struggled for years without you knowing it.So then my one friend said she was going to try in July and I came to her in July to tell me what happened to me. Then we started then we needed references for the adoption so we picked our friends. Well then I think the wheels started to spin for our other friend that everyone is trying to have a baby but them so then she started trying and got pregnant right away. When you talk with them you can tell they didn't expect it to happen so quick I honestly felt like they were trying because everyone else was and they didn't want to be the only ones' that don't have kids. Well now I feel like they are a little timid and scared. I can't say for them but I think they were not 100% ready for this to happen right away so I think that they are a little overwhelmed. Which in turn for me to go to the shower and watch them pick up all these things when I really want this and they sort of had it handed to them without any hesitation and they are not looking as they are really ready for this, I think that is what makes it hard. Don't get me wrong they are our friends and we are happy for them but that feeling I am trying to describe without making others think I am a mean person is there. I don't know how else to explain it without it sounding mean. They are also the friends that I never hear them talk really about the baby I hear them talking about what she has been through and sometimes it is like I don't need an educational session on what pregnancy is about or what you went through I want to hear stuff like you can't wait to touch and meet this baby. I can't wait till that day comes. We are already attached and can't wait to show this baby all the love in the world. That is the kind of stuff I want to hear about. That you appreciate that you got pregnant and that you are blessed with this baby. Not about woe's me what I went through. And pregnancy was tough and I am gaining weight and all the negatives. I don't want to hear those things I wasn't to hear positive and appreciation that this happened. I think that is what makes it hard because I would take it so much differently. I don't care if I vomited everyday during pregnancy, I would enjoy every minute that I was pregnant and I would think about that baby every day. I feel like people who go through infertility become different parents because they would appreciate that child so much because they have wanted that child for so long. I talk to other friends that have kids and they are always complaining about there kids. They are excited there kids are with there dad for the weekend, they say my kids are driving me crazy and nothing is the same anymore. They say so many negative things about there kids when all I want in the entire world is a family and a child to love. When they say these things I don;t think they know how it affects Tim and I when we hear them we always look at each other and know what we are thinking. I told one dad this weekend you can give us your child and he laughed and say take her. I just shack my head. I know he was kidding about it but they don't know what they have. I am sorry if this offends anyone but I am honestly speaking straight from the heart today without any hesitation and I can see how some people who may not be going through this situation and may feel offended but all I ask is that you appreciate what you have everyday and tell them that you love them always so that they know and never have to guess at your love for them. Those people who haven't gone through this it is hard to understand the feelings without you going through it yourself. One of my friends are having trouble being pregnant and is now knowing what it feels like and understands where I am coming from when she said she never understood before until now. Thank you for letting me talk and for you to listen and hopefully not be mad at what I had expressed. Thank you!

A better day!

I usually only post once a week because I am usually so busy and sometimes don't have much going on but I couldn't leave my blog after yesterday on a sour note. I don't like expressing my negative feelings to everyone although I am sure you all understand why I was sad. I just didn't need to be blogging yesterday. On a better note, I am feeling a ton better. I am in high spirits today which is great and another thing that is great but not for my job is the computers crashed at around 9:30 am this morning and they told us we had the option to go home. Well I worked till 11:30 to try to do all I can do without the computer which that is basically my whole job for medical billing so I left at 11:30 and came home to post on my blog now at 12:30. It is a nice sunny day here in Michigan. It is about 70 degrees. So pretty nice especially for Michigan and in May. So after I post this I think I am going to sit outside and read a book and just enjoy the rest of the day. Tim was really sweet yesterday so when he came home from work he took me out to dinner and bought an ice cream cake and wrote on it happy birthday dad. I thought that was sweet, it made me cry of course but it was really sweet. So I am doing excellent today and looking forward to getting out in the sun and enjoying. Just wanted to end on a positive note or it would have bothered me all weekend and I just want to be care free this weekend. Also thanks for those for the warm thoughts yesterday. Greatly appreciated.

Happy Birthday Dad

Today was a ruff day. It is my dad's or would have been my dad's 50th Birthday. I miss my dad so much and today was just a ruff day. I just wanted to tell my dad I was thinking of him. Nothing really going on with adoption. Things have remained the same no call yet. Don't have much to do. I have done everything I can think of to spread the word. I guess I just have to wait. My problem is I am a go getter and a fighter. I never give up and I feel a bit defeated and I might feel a little more defeated today b/c I am more sensitive because today is my dad's birthday. Sorry I am a little down but I promise next time I will turn this around on a better day.

Busy week with work and all

I try to post every week. I don't know how people post every day. I guess I don't have that interesting of a life. I pretty much work, come home clean call anyone I need to catch up with and do other things that need to be done around our house but for the most part work. I try to explain to Tim that I tell my work yes all the time to stay after and to do extra time because when the time comes for us that we have a baby I will not be picking up on extra hours at work and not only that but I want them to approve my work schedule I would like to change. Right now my regular hours at work are Tuesday thru Friday 10 hour work days. That is what I am scheduled I go to work at 5:45 am to start and am suppose to leave at about 4 pm. Well those hours don't happen at all. This last week I was putting in 11 to 13 hours a day and I had to work from home on Monday. It has been crazily busy. I am a medical biller for St John Hospital and Medical centers. We have like 50 people in our department. Our company has about 60 or more offices and the office's have 1 to 11 doctors in that one office that we bill for. So yeah we are out numbered. Not only that but every month we tend to miss people from medical leaves any where from 6 weeks to 3 months which can back log us and we have had a lot of pregnant women at work (which of course I am happy for them but envious at the same time) that go on maternity or bed rest from the pregnancy so then it us to people to pick up the slack. Well you can guess why I am chosen. I have no kids to drop of or pick up from school and no babysitter so of course Susan is the obvious choice. In our department of about 50 of us there is 4 maybe 5 of us that do not have children. I say maybe 5 because we just got a new person working for us. Well any way those other other 3 people rarely ever pick up the over time that is offered and I know my boss likes me and counts on me all the time to get work caught up and keep us as current as possible but we keep on added private offices and there is not enough of us to cover so we are quiet over whelmed. They refuse to hire more staff at this time because they say of budget. The new person that was just hired was replacing a co worker we lost. My point is when I have a baby I already talked to my boss about a schedule changed when the baby comes to let them know now to get use to the idea. I want to stay home but that is not possible for me as I would carry the insurance for the whole family. My husband has his own small business as an excavator (I say he plays in the dirt). I work for St. John's so I have insurance and it is not cost for me but it is a cost to add my husband and a child to the policy so I have to work. But if I have to work I want to be with my baby as much as I can so not to miss a moment of there first smile, first tooth, first word, first step and all the great milestones, I want to be there for all of it. I worked this hard to have a baby I don't want to miss anything if I can help it and if I am at work I talked to Tim's mom about helping me watch the baby and what schedule would be best for her. My mom lives in Florida so I pretty much only have Tim's mom to depend on and I know a lot of people are for day care centers but I first off don't want my infant in a day care center and if I had to put them in one I would like them to first be able to express by talking what they need or want so I can see how the day care is going for them. If I can help it I would like family like grandma to help but not all the time because I don't want them to feel that they always go to grandma's house, I want them to still be excited to see grandma every time they see her. So I talked to Tim's mom and she said she can watch the baby on Tuesday's and Wednesday's. I then in turn talked to my boss about working out a schedule that I would do 3 day 12 hour shifts on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday but on Thursday if I can work from home and then on Friday if I came in for 4 hours from 6-10 and Tim will watch the baby and when I came home from work at 10:30 he could then leave for work. My boss said she would talk it over with her boss and that we would work something out. It sounds promising and I think if I do all the extra hours now and show how viable I am that they should grant me those hours. Well see but the pay for time and a half for the extra hours I can't complain about either because adoption is expensive and I need every penny I can get right now. We did the in-vetro last year then went right into adoption so we need all of our pennies not just for the adoption but also after the baby gets here.I know we will probably have a baby shower after the baby gets here but diapers and formula are expensive. Today I feel like instead of being in the moment right now of work and no baby I would try to be positive by thinking of the future. It makes me smile to think about this baby. When we will have the baby and will it be a girl or a boy doesn't matter but just wondering what they will look like and what there personality would be like is all so exciting to think about. I always think about what that day will be like the moment I see the baby for the first time and to hold him/her for the first time. That is just so exciting. It at least gives me something to look forward to. To keep me going on those bad days or busy days of long hours at work I try to keep reminding my self it will be all worth it on that day. That is pretty much the only thing keeping me going and not from falling apart emotionally. I guess it is called keeping the faith that god would know I would make an excellent mother and he would not want Tim or I to be childless. I know I am very motherly and can't wait for the first day of school but I know my child will be frustrated with all the pictures I would take of there first day. I can't wait to participate for the bake sales and the Halloween and Christmas parties and even to go on there field trips as a chaperon. I also can't wait to go to there class residuals and any sports they plan to join even the day there graduate will all be so exciting. These are all things I can't wait and look forward to. Tim is a man to look up to. I know our baby will look up to him. He will guide them and show them things. He will help them to be raised with respect, integrate, and honest. I know he will make an excellent father. I know he would probably want to coach the team whether we have a son in baseball or a daughter in soccer he would be right there coaching and mentoring as I would be cheering on the side lines. I also can't wait to when they are young enough but old enough to go to Disney land and see Mickey and Minnie for the first time. These are all fun and exciting things that I can't wait to share with our kids. Of course we have to get there first. But these are all the things that I think about that keeps driving me. Thank you all for listening to my thought.

At a stand still

Well not much going on over here. I e-mailed my social worker to find out what ever happened with those two women who came in 3 weeks ago and that were interested in adopting. She wrote me back yesterday to say that one they had not heard back from and the other she said was having a lot of morning sickness and said she would think about things and maybe get back to them later in the pregnancy. So that good new that I thought would come about and share it is now like I am back to square one with no leads of possibilities. It is kind of discouraging and disappointing because even if those moms did follow through with the adoption and choose someone else I would feel like we at least had a chance and were that much closer. :( What can you do though but hope and pray that we can have our dream to become parents soon. We posted all those fliers like 2 months ago and I have not received one e-mail from anyone. I posted them in 4 colleges. I thought there would be maybe one person that would call or even check the blog just to see who I was or anything and I have not heard a thing. My mother in law this past week has brought up surrogacy and I am trying to explain that it is expensive not to mention I would have to do the in vetro all over again which was a night mare. On top of all that you hear those hora stories. I am trying to be patient but patients gets worn thin after a while. I am young and would never have imagined that I would be going through all these issues at such a young age. I know it is not my fault as people tell me but I always think what did I eat when I was younger that could have caused this issue or what could I have done. Did I do anything were I fell hard. All these I guess silly questions go through my mind of what could I have done better or am I that bad of a human being. There are people like Nadia Suleman that has 14 children and she doesn't even give them the love and attention they deserve she flaunts them to the camera like a circus and it makes me think why would god give a women that is so unstable and unable to take care of her children 14 children when all I am asking for is 1 and I would love them to death. It makes me sad and how selfish people are. Don't get me wrong every child is a blessing but 14 children and she tried after her 6th to have more. Those eggs could have been donated to someone who had trouble getting pregnant or she could have had the babies and thought of adoption. I was at the grocery store today and this women came in she had 5 children all under the age that I would say 7. I was going down the isle and I saw this child's hat on the floor so I picked it up and put it by my purse until I found someone who worked there in one of the isles as I approached the next isle I saw this mom yelling and screaming and embarrassing this child that was maybe 4 or 5 about her hat and where did she put it and why does she do this to her and that the child drives her crazy and better find the hat or else. As I was hearing this I was coming up to the little girl to give her the hat and the mom said where did you find that hat and I explained the isle over and she grabbed her child by the hand to bring her over there as she left her oldest child that couldn't have been over the age of 7 to watch the other 2 little kids and one infant. She never said thank you and I couldn't believe my eyes. I never saw her physically harm her but the verbal abuse to me was enough. When I got in line shore enough she was 2 carts in front of me still yelling at her kids as she is trying to pay in food stamps while she had clothes for herself in the wagon with maybe 10 things of groceries and they kids I thought were not clean. Come on where is the fairness of that. That is probably why I wrote on my blog today out of frustration. I was just looking at those kids like I wish I could help I wish I could show those kids what a real mom is. Now I know I am not this mom and I don't know her circumstance but 5 kids that are dirty and you leave a young child to watch all the other kids while you show a 5 or 6 year old where she left her hat. That to me was just unbelievable. How fair is that, although I know life isn't fair and that was not the smartest statement. Thank you for lsitening to me vent a bit. I try to be postitive but some days are harder then others and I think today my emotions were pushed over the edge. Thanks for listenign though.

Easter

I don't know why that is but it is hard on the holidays. I was missing my dad on Easter and all I kept thinking was if I had a baby I would be dressing them up in cute close and going to church together and going to grandma's. It was hard. I have been doing okay with my ambition that my day will come where I will have a baby but yesterday I just crumbled. I just felt like it was never going to happen. I know it will but I just felt defeated. I go to work everyone asking how my Easter was and we went to my in-laws house but it just felt like any other day and I felt that void in my heart and a little bit of anger about my infertility. I really haven't had anger over infertility I just always said it is what it is and I really didn't want to go through the infertility my husband did and I wantedto adopt. I knew he wouldn't go into adoption whole heatedly without us trying infertility so I did it and now I feel like I am paying for it. My body has not been the same and it has just been ruff. I told my husband it is horrible. I am young and I already feel like I am falling apart. I just need to refuel my batteries and get back on my positive track. Just some days I vear off course but I will try to turn it around.

Some Good Info

I have some good news to people waiting to adopt. Thanks to my blogging bud Savanna from countless tomorrows posted it for me when I gave the news to her. I just found this out the beginning of last week that there is a website http://www.parentgallery.com/ that is a new website that you can post your adoption profiles for free. Yes I said for FREE. I was busy with work and everything going on that I didn't get a chance to blog about this and when I check my blog I usually just check to see if anyone left me any information. I came across countless tomorrows new blog and I responded to let them know about this free website I stumbled on to. I didn't have a chance to put my profile on it yet but on countless tomorrows (blog site) stated they tried and state it was easy with no problem. I was planning on getting on this weekend now that I have more time. I just wanted to share the information with everyone and hope that this helps.

Also I have some what of good news. So we are doing our adoption with Catholic Social Services in Michigan. Well they have patients that come in on a case to case basis. They counsel the women and help women that are pregnant. They first see if they can set a plan for the women to keep the child and if the mom states she can not have means to keep the child then they start going through the adoption process. Well the agency said they have been slow the last 2 years and how last year they only have 3 children adopted. They only do adoption in the surrounding area of the agency is why the numbers are lower but it is local. They said that the baby's have not been coming in till the end of summer which I thought was weird. But sorry my point and getting to the good news we already had one mom come in and give her child up for adoption last month and she choose someone that already had a child because she wanted her child to have a sibling. Then I was just told yesterday that 2 more people came in for possible adoption and they are in there 2 and 3rd month. The one is young and is not sure but is being counseled and it sounds like she is leaning toward adoption and the anther women is married and is getting serious about adoption I was told. That makes me feel good because we have more chances and the women are coming in earlier in the year then years past. We are 1 of 6 people who are first time parents waiting then there are 5 others that are 2nd time parents. Which it is unfortunate that I was told usually when the mom looks at our profiles they choose the first time parents first. Although the women last month did choose someone that already had a child. Well that makes me feel good about the odds it makes me feel bad for the 2nd time parents because how long they have been waiting too. But at the same time I have never had my chance to have a baby and they have at least experienced that. I always told Tim (my husband) that I wanted 2 children a boy and a girl but now after all that we have been through if I only had one I would be on top of the moon regardless if I can only have one and regardless of the sex of the baby. Yes they would probably be spoiled rotten if they were the only child because on top of being the only child they would be the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Which would be exciting. The other issue is my social worker also told everyone to be ready for meeting the expecting mom and to be ready for the questions they ask which is nerve racking. You want to answer them honestly but at the same time you want them to like you from meeting the first time which is a lot of pressure. My other issue is I need to complete my scrap book. My social worker told me we all need a scrap book of Tim and myselves life together. I started this scrap book in the summer when we started the adoption and still never completed it. It was 20 pages and I have 5 more pages left that now I am also going to have to try to complete this weekend as well. I am doing the scrap book by hand and this is the first one but I always loved doing artsy stuff so I take a long time on it. Well have have pages of Tim and I as baby's and pictures of then and now with our siblings, I have a picture of our friend and called it our circle of friend. I also I have a picture of our families and named it family ties and tied the pictures and letter together. It is really cute and those pages were easy but the ones that are taking me so much time are the pictures of Tim and I together. Last night I completed or wedding pages but that took close to 4 hours to do. I feel like those pages with us on it are the hardest. I want them too look and show our love but I don't want it to be to over the top or sappy. I am trying to make it interesting. I have a page of just us at the base ball game that is cute but the ones were we are loving with hugs and posing are kind of hard so wish me luck this weekend. Well I have to go so I can get started on the scrap book but I will keep you posted on what happens and if we have an interview or not. Thanks for the thought and the prayers.

waiting for a baby

I am trying to be so patient through this whole adoption. We have done everything we needed to do and now we just have to wait. That is hard to do and that is the hardest part. It feels like when we went through in-vetro and you had to wait the 2 weeks to see if the eggs took to find out if you were pregnant or not. Those two weeks felt like the longest two weeks of my life. That is what I would compare this too but we don't have a time frame which makes it even harder. Ever day just waiting and hoping that our social worker will call and say your baby is here. I can't think of what else I can do to spread the word. We put up fliers in 3 colleges and I have gone to OBGYN offices and they look at you like you are crazy and they say the patient and the hospital figures that stuff out they tell me. I called the hospitals to see what there process is when someone comes in and says they didn't know they were pregnant or they get to the hospital and say they don't want a baby or even if they drop the baby off at the hospital like I have reed about, but the hospitals already have a process they go through. They work with a social worker and if the mom doesn't want the baby they have adoption agencies they already work with. I have contacted our social worker to see what more we can do and she says we have done everything we can. She said her agency is also contacted by a few hospitals but I hear the hospital calls a few agencies and who ever gets there first the agency gets the child. I hope this doesn't sound crazy but I want a baby so bad. I keep hearing from people that I haven't even been in this adoption for even a year yet but what I feel like they don't understand is that I have been trying and waiting to have a baby for years. I started this adoption in July and yes that would make me somewhat new to adoption but I am willing to try anything to hold a baby in my arms. I just can't wait to have a child and consider us a family instead of a couple. Thank you for listening and just letting me vent. I had something funny to add. So I see cute baby stuff at the store and I will pick it up. Now it is not like I have a whole closet or anything but I have like 8 to 10 things from me or my mother in-law will give to me. Well the other day my husband Tim came in the house and told me to close my eyes and he put (of course a boy) baby outfit in front of me that he picked up at the store. He told me between my mother in-law and I picking up stuff, he said he figured he would pick up something and maybe he would be the good luck charm. I thought that was so cute and sweet of him. He said my mother in-law and and were not bringing the luck and now he is. I just wanted to share that because I thought it was thoughtful and nice. Well thanks again for reading

Our begining together with lifes up and downs now adoption

I met Tim actually online when I was 18 and he was 21 back in 2000. We met in person about 3 months later. I can honestly say it was love at first site. When I put him on the plane to say good by because we lived in two different states I couldn't stop crying. In fact I told my mom when I got home that was the guy I was going to marry. My parents both liked him but I can tell my mom just thought it was puppy love. Tim and I would visit each other every month. I would go see him for about 4 days one month then he would come down and see me the next. I feel head over heels for him and I knew he did to (because he called me 6-7 times a day). We talked constantly. I went to Thanksgiving at his house that year and then I went back to visit him the day after Christmas. To my surprise as I was in the air on the plane he was calling my dad to ask for my hand in marriage. When I saw him of course it was butterflies and excitement again. When we got back to his parents house everyone was acting a little funny now that I look back but at the time I didn't think anything of it. I was a figure skater when I was younger and a coach to figure skaters. I am telling you this because I loved the ice. It was my place. Tim of course knew that. So after we opened up all our presents he kept pushing for us to go ice skating on his family's pound which I thought was the coolest thing. We went out there and he pretended to play hockey. He kept falling and asking me to help him but all I said is I am going to score at your goal and win and it wasn't my fault your on the ground. I kept scoring goals and I can tell he is getting upset. Of course I thought he was being a poor sport when actually he was trying to fall so he could be on one knee to ask me to marry him. I of course not picking that up keep on scoring goals till finally he knocked in to me and it was pretty hard so I would be on the floor and I just was lying on my belly stunned but not hurt. He takes a lap around the ice then slides on his belly toward me and has this box. We are now face to face on the ice on our belly's and of course I am still not getting it. I asked why he had to be so ruff. He starts telling me that he loves me infinity and beyond and more than life itself and how he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. He started to tell me the story of our first time together and how it was love at first site. He then asked me "Susan will you spend the rest of your life me, I love you and would love it if you would be my wife". He then opens the box and grabs my hand as I am now shacking and says will you marry me and puts the ring on. I was so excited and happy and over joyed. We get up and he is holding me in his arms spinning me around on the ice. I was so happy. Mean while his whole family is in there bathroom where they can see us video taping us. The funniest part my mother in law taped me as I was walking in the house and she says lets see it and in the tape this is the funniest part. She says lets see it my daughter in law to be and then the tape says "you have it on the wrong hand". Oops. I was so excited I didn't know. We were engaged 7 months after meeting. We did have a long engagement. We were engaged for almost 4 years. We were married in 2004. We were not in any rush. A lot went on in that Tim. I moved to Michigan to live with Tim after we where engaged. I moved in June. In the mean time we built a house together which was tough and I was in the nursing program. (my ups)


(downs) Well then my dad got sick. We found out he had cancer and it was in the 4th stage. Then my life changed and felt like it was crashing down on me. It is weird how things work. I felt like I was on top of the world and the happiest I could ever be in my life. I had a great family, Tim's family was great, I had Tim which is my best friend and the love of my life, I was in the nursing program, I was building a house and planning on getting married the next year. Then I am on the way to a class in the nursing program and I never made it there when my mom called to tell me that my dad had cancer. I was crushed and devastated. My dad was not only my dad he was my best friend, my biggest supporter, the rock I would lean on, and someone I really looked up to. He was one of a kind. All my friends loved him and would tell me I have the coolest dad ever and I knew that. They would tell me how lucky I was. Well that day I found out was devastating. I came home and Tim's mom was their to support me and give me love before Tim came home from work to be there for me. I was in the nursing program and I told them I needed to go see my dad and visit him at least for a week. Well it was in between finals and the week after finals another semester started. So they told me I had to take my test or I would be kicked out of the program or be left back to next year. I was very emotional so I didn't say the nicest of things but basically I told them my family comes first and to shove it. That was not a day I was proud of I was leaving the next day to see my dad and they were just giving me worse news and I was so emotional. I left to see my dad being out of the nursing program and leaving Tim with an unfinished house that we were building. We then got worse news when I go there that my dad had cancer in the 4th stage and they can try to do chemo but they gave him 5 years. I hurt more than anything.When I came back our house was almost completed and I missed that and I had to figure out what I was going to do for the rest of my life.


(ups) I decided to go back to school to learn billing and coding. I got my associates degree and got a job at St. John Hospital as a biller. I got married to Tim and luckily I was lucky enough for my dad to walk me down the aisle. It was the happiest day of my life. I had all my family there. We had 150 people and it was beautiful church and a small hall that was just for us so the guest can come and go. I had the best time. We had a desert room, ice sculpture and we danced the night way.
We then talked about children. We were starting to try about a year after we were married. I wanted my dad to meet my children and we could not wait to have a family. We started in 2005. We tried for 8 months then I saw my OB. He did an ultrasound and didn't see anything then did a test on sperm and everything normal.

(downs)He then said to go to a fertility specialist because it was then a year. I went to the fertility doctor and wow there was a lot of tests. Test after test after test. It was an emotional roller coaster. It was up and down. The frustrating part was they couldn't find anything wrong. We didn't have a miscarriage or anything which I am sure is devastating but I felt like I might ever carry a baby at all. I am deathly afraid of needles and doctor said we have done all we can do. Between the Laporscopy, the million ultrasound, blood work, clomid, all the other drugs, artificial insemination's, and hystosonagraphy, and all the other millions of test that took. It has now been 1 year and a half that I have been seen with her and and 2 and half year of trying and she said all we had left to try is in-vetro. I didn't want to make that decision so I decided to take a break go on vacation and try on our own.
(downs) In the meantime with all this infertility stuff I know some of you are going to say well you were stressed and that is why it isn't working but in the beginning of all this when we first started trying we were not stressed at all but here is were the stress really came in. My dad was getting worse and they sold there house because they couldn't afford the house just on my moms income and they were suppose to move to Florida but my dad took a turn for the worst and ended up in the hospital 2 weeks before they were to move out. We found the cancer spread to his brain and it was a tumor which cause him to have seizures. With my parents and brother with no place live and someone needed to take care of my dad Tim and I flew to help move pack up there stuff and move them down to Michigan to live with us. It was hard. We lived with them for 1 year at our house. Tim, my mom, my brother, my sick dad and me. At that time I am 25 years old and have not lived with my family for 6 years. I was also hiding my infertility from people. My family, Tim's family and friend because I didn't want to hear are you pregnant, did it work and all that. It is hard to hide that from family when they are not living with you let alone when they lived with you. My dad's seizures got worse and he was deteriorating right in front of us with nothing I can do. I felt hopeless. The day before my dad past with out me knowing that was the last I would talk to him. I went in his room (in my house) by my self and got him caught up on my life. I told him how work was going and how we were all doing and what was going on. I told him how much I loved him and how I wouldn't be selfish because I didn't want to see him suffer any more with the pain he was in. He couldn't look at you unless you stepped in front of him, he couldn't talk you didn't know if he could hear you, and when you asked him to squeeze your hand he couldn't even do that. But that day the 2 hours of just sitting by his bed he has been bound to for all of 3 month he couldn't get our of it at all I caught him up with life. But the most important thing I told him of all and he was the first to hear was that we were trying to have a baby and that we have been trying for sometime and the doctor wants to continue testing and I am think of adopting but told him he was the first to know that we have been trying. He had a tear come down his cheek and he squeezed my hand for the first time in a long time. I know that took a lot for him to do but he did it and I know he did it for me to make me feel his love even though I always knew it was there. The next day we went in his room and he was still breathing and I was so grateful. The nurse came over to give him his bath and told us he had up to a week left which was better than the other lady that told us he had a day or too. We were kind of excited because we had more time with him which was kind of selfish but we felt bad because he was suffering.Within 5 minutes of that nurse leaving he passed with my mom and myself in the room. I just felt numb and like I wasn't in my body like I was outside of my body and my body was just going through the motions. My mom is yelling at me to do CPR but that was not what my dad wanted and he wouldn't make it he was in hospice. I screamed for my Tim and it was only when Tim came and confirmed it for my mom and myself that he was gone was that I really just start to cry historically. It is hard to think I will never see him again and he will never meet my kids and I am only 25 years old and he was only 48 years old. by brother and mom moved to Florida as planned 3 months later but it is still a struggle some days up some down when I walk around my house and have memories of him in happy time and the day of his passing all at once in my house.
(ups and downs)This is where we went on our vacation on a cruise to get away from it all to reflect on my dad and decide if in vetro was for us. I was emotional still and always about my dad but very focused more then ever to have a family. We were split down the middle as I said before I hate needles. My husband wanted to try the in-vetro and I wanted to do adoption. I was all for adoption. I also hated when people would say to me if you go through with adoption and get pregnant what are you going to do. I always say nothing. There both my kids and will love them both the same and I would actually be a little more overprotected of the child that is adopted because I don't want them to ever feel that way. I want them to know our loved and that no one Else will treat them any different either because there not as I tell people. Just because they were not in my belly doesn't mean that I love them any different I gave birth through the heart.
Well I told my husband we will try the in-vetro. We tryed and it didn't work and it was very emotional. I also tryed the frozen eggs they had and that didn't work either. That was a very devastating time and when I started in-vetro everyone knew about the problems we had getting pregnant and they knew we went through in-vetro. I was devastating. You get depressed and upset and I never thought it would be so tough. I felt like the only person in the world going through this and everyone just kept saying it would happen it would happen.

(ups) Well in my old fashion style I picked my self back up and brushed my self off and told Tim what do you think of my idea I had about adoption and he was all for it. I was so excited. In the mean time everyone kept asking if I was pregnant and the doctors found nothing wrong but I just didn't get pregnant and I just wanted to put it all behind me and move forward. I looked at all there websites of children waiting to be adopted and it was so sad. I love kids and can't wait to have some. Everyone still thinks I will get pregnant and that it is just stress but My dad past in 2007 which is not easy but I don't feel the stress I felt at that time, the in-vetro was stressful but that was last year and now I am looking forward and trying not to look back. That is the only way to keep smiling and not get upset or depressed. I want to give all of myself to that child when they come into our lives. It is not fair to them to come into our lives with our baggage. I can't wait till that day come. So yes we have been through high up and very low downs but we are still standing and taller then ever before. We want to adopt more then anything in the entire world. That day when I get to hold that little one will be one of the happiest days of my life but until then we are waiting for that little one to grow big and healthy in there birth moms belly. I can't wait for bake sales, and field trips, school parties and there first day of school, graduation and holding that little one for the first time my ultimate joy. Until then we are waiting for you little one.

Trying to spread the word

I have been trying to pass the word that we are looking to adopt. We were trying figure out what avenues to go down. One by my agency was to blog another is to put flyer's or business card up at colleges. Well I made flyer's and posted them all over the colleges to spread the word. I am not going to lie it was hard to figure out how to make a fly er to let people know that we care and want more than anything in the world to adopt a child but also not make is like we are adopting a puppy. I want people who saw the fly er to know that we were a serious couple. Besides the college I also posted it at the hospitals usually by the cafeteria there is a board. I posted it also in a few high volume supermarkets. But I only did this on one side of town which took me a few hours so this weekend I am going to try to post it in town on the other side of town. All I can say is I am trying to do the best that I can to spread the word. It is hard to just sit back and wait. I also got some what of good news from my agency. They told me that had there first mom of the year walk in last Friday and that she showed her our profile and that she liked it but she did want to choose someone that already had a child. So yes we were not chosen (bummer) but it made me feel some much hope and excitement that at least a birth mom saw us. It gives me this happy hope that we will be chosen soon too. You just have to keep the faith. Well I will tell you what happens or where I went after this weekend. Thanks for visiting.

Lazy Days

I am working from home today and I am so lazy. I just don't feel like doing anything today. I did my work but then I just wanted to sleep I am not sure why. Well I don't have much to write about about the adoption because we are just waiting. Everyday is another day we pray we get that call that we will be parents to a child which is exciting and what keeps us going right now. So we are just waiting and hoping. I will tell you when something changes.

Being positive

I am trying really hard to be positive. Everyday I say maybe today will be the day that changes my life forever and my agency will call to say we were match with a birth mom. Or maybe today will be the day that I get an e-mail that someone maybe interested in us. It makes me smile to see all these babies and children on these blogs, I keep thinking one day that will be me taking millions of pictures of my little ones and wanting to show them off to the world. It gets hard some days to stay positive and we say will this ever happen for us? I know it will. It just feels like forever that we have been trying to have a family. I just want to be happy. I can't wait to be a mom. I was born to be a mom. I love kids and I just want to be there for them always and be at all of there activities what ever sports, what ever school parties, there bake sales and there field trips I can't wait to do it all with them. I already stand on the sidelines and cheer on my husband in the winter for his dodge ball league, in the spring for basketball and in the summer and fall for his softball. I am his biggest fan. He always tells me what am I talking about I have a child and it is him. I couldn't agree more with him. But I try to explain in a funny sense you need me but you could if you tried to do it yourself were children look up to you for help and guidance. That means a lot to gain a child's respect for a parent and for me to respect them and little people. Thanks for listening and letting me get this out it feels a lot better to express my feelings.

My first day ever blogging

Well if you reed my profile you would see that I am very excited to become a mom through adoption. I am new to this whole blogging thing but I hope to get use to it. I know I am young at 28 and I hear that all the time but My husband and I have been together since I was 18 years old and we got married when I was 23 years old. Every year we go on vacation, usually on a cruise and see a bunch of tropical islands. This is because we live in the cold state of Michigan. My husband and I have gone places we wanted to go we experienced a lot together and have done things we always wanted to do. We have careers and all we have left to complete our lives is a family. With just the two of us it is just a couple but with a child in our lives I feel like we transition into family. We wanted to have a baby not long after we were married we started trying. It didn't work so we went to my OB who sees nothing wrong so he sends us the the infertility specialist. We did it all with her. Now I am frightened beyond imaginable with needles. I wanted a baby really bad so I had to suck it up and try. We did the clomid and this other medication, we did shots, we did artificial she checked my tubes we did it all and she didn't see anything wrong and didn't know why I couldn't get pregnant with assistance so she suggested that we do in-vetro because there was not anything else to try to do we did it so we went forth with in-vetro. We had 8 eggs total come out of it and 2 were not good eggs that we couldn't use so the first time they only put in 2 eggs because of my age. That didn't take I was devastated to say the least. I still had 4 frozen eggs. so we did another cycle and 1 egg after the thaw was not good so I had 3 left that they put in and that didn't take. Let me say I hear women all the time talk about that they went through in-vetro like it was a walk in the park. Let me tell you the emotional roller coaster you are on with all those shots, and increased hormones, and blood work, and being put under to retrieve the eggs, and having them put in, and having to wait two weeks to see if it took felt like eternity. After it didn't work the second time I know I was done. I wanted to feel normal again and I still wanted a family more than anything. I then went on some website that said children waiting to be adopted. There were so many children it was sad. I looked up some adoption agencies and I am going through social services which helps birth mothers through there pregnancy with no cost to them they do what they can for the mother it seems like a great place for a mother that is pregnant. They counsel them and make sure they feel good about there decision whether to keep the child or give the child up to adoption they show our profiles to these women and I was happy to be part of social services. It didn't just feel like another agency that just takes the baby from mom, they actually want to make sure everything is alright and they care. This made me feel good. We completed our home study and made a profile for moms to look at the agency and are now waiting to hear the news. People always say you have time your young, but age is just a number. I don't feel like I am 28 and there are children being mothers at 15 years old and I am 13 years older then them. I hear it from my co-workers and my agency and people that know I am adopting but I didn't wait till I was 35 to have kids, or wait for my career and I think people when they think of adoption they think of someone 35 or older. Family was always important to me and an added bonus is I have a career and I am very ambitious and I know what I want and I go after it. I don't just sit on a side lines because I feel it won't just fall into your lap if you want something bad enough fight for it. Show you want it. That is how my husband and I have come so far. In vetro and adoption is costly especially when you do it all in one year. The hardest part is watching your friends around you have baby's in there first try and it has been years for us and we don't have anything to show for it. You want to be happy for those friends but it is hard when you hear them complain about how fat they are going to get, or about how they can't drink, or how they can't do stuff like they use to because they are pregnant, when I would give anything to have a child in our lives whether it was being pregnant or adopting. What I want to hear from my pregnant friends is that they can't wait until the day they see there precious child or them saying I wonder what they will look like, or I can't wait to hold my baby and touch there little hands and feet for the first time. Those things is what would make me feel happy for them because I would feel that they really want it. When they complain about all that stuff it feels like it is being pushed in my face when I want to hear is their positives that they will go through with the baby. But like people tell me maybe they don't realize it but when they have heard my story for them to say negative stuff about being pregnant is hurtful and didn't think one bit about how I would be feeling. When I talk to them I want to hear about the baby not about how miserable they are feeling all the time. I would give anything to have a baby. So these are just somethings that are the ups and downs of life. One thing I always hear is how is the adoption going and it stinks because I don't think people understand how long it can take. I just keep saying still waiting and I always hear it will be worth all of this in the end. I know it will. Deep down I know when I am holding that child my mind will erase all that has gone on and my focus and attention will go to this child. Whether the child is and infant or 4 years old and I want a family to call my own. My husband and I both say that is what is lacking. My husband and I always said 2 children. We can't wait to hear the sounds of them giggling in the house or playing with the toys. These things when you go through this whole process the small things that people who have kids take for granted becomes very exciting and wonderful for us. Well I think I have said my peace and got out what I needed to get out today. Until next time hope to hear from people on feed back or if you know anyone who is having a baby and is thinking of adoption or who can't handle the child they currently have in this economy please let them know the people who would love to take care of that child. Thanks for listening.