Thursday, August 13, 2009

sorry it has been so long

Sorry it has been a while since I posted. Not much has gone on to report about. I am still waiting. I went on vacation the end of July then Tim and I are going away for our 5 year anniversary which is August 28. We are leaving that weekend for Traverse City. I know it will be fun and keep my mind off of stuff and my 28 year birthday is the 23 of August. I hope this is the month for good news keep the fingers crossed.
Some days are hard. Emotions are up and down but I know I am good at masking all the emotions, I have been doing it since my dad was ill so I have had practice. Although I don't want people to think I am being a fake person because I hate that I just don't want to be negative or a downer. Don't want to bring people down with me. I am not like that. I try to exercise with Tim in town to I guess they say it relieves stress but when I run all I do is think. It is like right before you go to bed for some reason I just think about what I wish I can change or do same way for me when I run. Really there is nothing I can do or change so I try to get it out of my head so it doesn't consume my every thought because that can change your mood quiet a bit. When I try to change my mood to happy and positive it does work for a few days maybe some times even 2 weeks but then the things that raddled me start to creep under my skin again and then it is hard to get out of that funk. I just am sick of crap coming down and with no view of things looking up. That can get you down and wear you out after a while. I am asked constantly about how is the adoption. Well it is rounding a year and no body See's a baby in my hand yet so here we go with another year. It gets to be discouraging. I am just venting now so that I will feel better later and maybe for a few more days. Right now all I want is to be happy. I wrote a list the other day of what I am appreciative for to keep things in perspective. Lets start with the negative then end with the positive on my appreciation list. Negative is I have been struggling to have a family for 4 years with infertility and now a adoption for a year. I have gained some weight that I struggle to get off from the invetro. I will never see, hear or hug my dad again. That is a huge downer because he was my number one supporter always and was always there for me and I wouldn't be this bad if he didn't pass I would feel more normal if that didn't happen. Life changed so it is hard to get control over my life which is hard for me because I always orchestrated my life and kept it on a path always reaching higher and now I feel it spiraled out of control and I am trying to hold on to it. My mom started dating 4 months after my dad passed and now has changed guys since then and meet a new guy in December and is now wanting to marry him in June. When I call her or she calls me all she wants to talk about is her and her boyfriend and can give a crap to ask how I am doing just to tell me how great and wonderful her life is all the time which I think I keep it all together rather nice. She doesn't know I pull the phone away from my ear for a little bit as to not want to scream at her and say selfish. She has yet to come to my house and visit in the past 2 years that is has moved and I have visited her 2 times and she keeps on bugging me when are we going back out to SEE HER. Hahaha. My brother can give a crap about me he only calls when he wants something or if I call him he rushes me off the phone all the time he can't be bothered even though my mom gave him practically her house so she can move in with her boyfriend and I had her live here a year with my dad, brother and mom and didn't get a dime or any appreciation for that matter. I by the way don't want anything but it is the point of the matter she and my brother can even just appreciate that we had them here and all the stuff that went on here. Don't want to get into all of that mess. And now my mom is getting married and then tells me if she can get married in my back yard here. No she didn't ask me she said she was thinking about it. If you can see I have no support of my family besides Tim who has been my number one fan after my father's passing (because my dad always was) and that makes me want a family even more then ever. My heart cries for a child and a family. I can't wait to take them Trick or Treating and dress them up, have Christmas with the family, take a million pictures of there first day of school, participate in there bake sales and Christmas parties, there field trips, take them on there first vacation to Disney, and playing with them and hearing them do that cute kid giggle like they are having the most fun. I can't wait for all these things and though I try to wait patiently my patients is tending to wear thinner and thinner now a days.
Okay lets get back on track. Now what I appreciate. I appreciate my husband he is the best and has been there for me in the best of times and in horrible times and always trying to lift my spirits. I am sure I stress him out but I always tell him thank you for making me smile. I appreciate my house and my car and the land we have. I appreciate my mother and father in law they are great. I appreciate the time I have had with my dad and how he did get to walk me down the isle. I appreciate my friends. I appreciate my health as well as Tim's health. I am very appreciative of that. I appreciate that we both have a job in this ruff economy. I appreciate that we have what we have. I appreciate our cottage. I appreciate that we have a means to adopt as some people do not so they wouldn't get there dream to become a parent and I appreciate that we can do that. I appreciate the support I had by cards we received expressing there sympathy for my dad and trying to give me strength. I appreciate that I meet time and I found that one special person in my life that does support me in my ups and downs.
All in all I know everyone says everything happens for a reason but I am still trying to figure it all out as to why this stuff happens. I am working on it and myself and hope that my dreams will come true and that I can be eternity happy. Ultimately that is all I want to be happy.