Monday, June 29, 2009

What I have decided

I have decided to keep this blog and to only discuss things I don't mind everyone knowing. I would still like to share somethings but not everything If I don't want some people to know and I will keep that to myself. Not much going on with the adoption. It is just a waiting game as all who are doing the adoption with me know it can take months or years. We unfortunately have no magic ball to tell us when it is our turn. This blog and I feel for others who are going through this same thing with adoption blog to share there feelings and events with others who know what they are going through. I didn't shut down this blog after thinking about it because I think this blog can also help others that are just starting the process or are going through some infertility to show that it is okay and that they are not the only ones. I have a friend (no names because personal) that is going through her own turmoil with infertility. It is not an easy thing. I think being able to see my blog and see others I follow helps her see that she is not alone and that others have gone through so much more that she hasn't even begun to go through. I try to be a good friend and support her even though it sometimes gets hard because what she does seems to reflect on me because everyone knows my situation and not hers. I can honestly say that I will be perfectly okay if I was never pregnant. Now that is not to say that I will be okay without a child because that would be a down right lie. All I want is a family and a child to bring joy and happiness into our lives but I don't care one bit if I never experienced pregnancy. It seems a lot harder on my friend because she does so badly want to experience that. I think most of my friends beside her don't know how to talk to me or feel even funny being around me knowing my circumstance which I think they shouldn't. I feel if anything my friend has more issues with the situations and feeling uncomfortable then myself but I of course unfortunately feel I take the brunt of all that. I feel like I have even lost some friends or friendships I once had because of the situation which is unfortunate. I only say that because the same people I use to see or hang out with all the time stop calling me or asking us to do stuff. Now you would say that maybe they were busy or something else but the truth is that I would hear that they hang out with others besides ourselves unless in big groups where we all come together. I wish things can be the way they use to but you know how that goes and I am not one to speak about or tell about others situations or words because I feel eventually that all works out it hasn't yet but I hope in time. I guess I just needed to wright this to get somethings off my chest. I of course didn't explode with all the emotions that I am feeling or thinking but I think I got my point and feelings across. I think people can understand how I am feeling and I know I bounced around whether to say any of this or not. I can't stand drama and issues and I feel like they are coming into my life unwanted. I am just this year starting to piece back the puzzles in my life after falling apart with my dad then the invetro and now the adoption. I feel this way we only have one life and we don't know if it can be over tomorrow, a week, a month or 50 years we just have to enjoy it while it is here and grab life and go with it. Do each day as if it was your last day and smile, laugh play, remember what it was like to be a child and not have pressure or worry and try to bring that feeling to everyday. Now I know that it is easier said then done trust me we regardless are going to have our ups and downs and we have to make more ups and more smile then downs. We have to be grateful for what we have and the people we have now not who we can't or don't have and stay happy. How you are and what you do seems to rub off on other people. I just had to say my peace because this is where I am in my life at this moment. I don't care what people think or have to say about me anymore. I don't care if they look at me weird anyone that needs to do that must not be happy with themselves and I am. I have learned that you have to love yourself before you can love others. I had so much hate after all that is happen I felt like I hated everyone for a while. I know that sounds harsh but it is true. I learned that once you can look in the mirror and love yourself you can bring others into your life with love. That is all I have to stay and hope that some people take that with them.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Good luck and hope for the best

I know on our blogs we talk about adoption and infertility but I just wanted to say good luck to Tim and I's good friend Mark and Tricia. They are having there baby due on July 5 but you know they can be due any time. I wish them the best it is there first baby and I know Tricia is nervous because of the unknown. Lucky for them they never had to experience infertility but I still wanted to say good luck and hope all goes well for them.
No I don't have an update on the blog situation but I am working on it and hope to get an answer by tonight.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day!

I just wanted to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day in Heaven. I miss you dad. This week is suppose to be a hard week but I am going to try to make it happy. Today is Father's Day so of course I think of my dad who I don't have. I also think of my husband Tim. I was trying to make today a happy day by keeping myself busy all day. it is 7:43 pm and I finally slowed down. I cleaned the house today and cut the grass then groceries and then went to Blockbuster on the way home to rent a happy go luck movie "Yes Man". It was good. It is not the greatest movie ever or anything but it put a smile on my face when I watched it with Tim and that is all I was asking for. Now getting to my issue with Tim I get home and we go to watch the movie and she said he was a little down today. I never hear him say that. I think that is because he is always trying to be strong for me but he saw I was happy go lucky so I think he thought I could handle what he was going to tell me. He says I was kind of down today. I was like down (in my mind) when is he ever down it is always me and never him and now I am doing good and he isn't?. Then he said I had 3 people in different stores on line say Happy Father's Day to me and he said "I am unfortunately not a father" and I can tell it bothered him. He then asked me if I thought he would ever be a father and told him of course. Then I can tell he knew I was concerned so he said lets watch the movie then he hugged me and held me in his arms. I felt really bad. I never knew it effected him that much. I know he doesn't like to talk about it with me or anyone he always says everything is fine and this time he actually admitted it. I think he was doing the same thing I was and trying to keep busy but for a different reason then me. Right now he decided to go golfing with one of his childhood friends Jimmy I think so he wouldn't think about stuff. This week is also hard because on Tuesday June 23 is 2 years since my dad has passed. I contemplated whether I should stay home from work or not because I didn't know how I would feel but then I decided what am I going to do at home dwell. I know dad you wouldn't want me to do that so I am going to keep myself really busy that day as to not remember that day which turned out to be the worst day of my life I want it to be more happy. So I told Tim today that we are going to get a call on Tuesday with some good news. I don't know what the news is but that if we believe that 100% with out doubt then it will come true. So I told him to believe that this is going to happen and we are going to have something to look forward to rather then not. I heard about this one book "The Secret" and there is movie for it too that tells you how to be positive and if you believe it and see it in your bind with out any negative thoughts it would come true I figured what do I have to loose so I am thinking that way about Tuesday some good is going to come out of that day.
As for this blog I think I should and hope to have answer to what I am going to do tomorrow but I wanted to share this and I didn't get a chance to do anything yet. Hope all is well with all of you and no, there is not news or anything going on with the adoption. Hopefully I will get my happy ending on Tuesday when I am thinking my thoughts and trying to see it come true. Till then talk to you all soon.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Not sure if I am going to use a new user name

I am not sure if I am going to use a new user name. I might make a new blog and only accept my blogging friends . I might want to keep my information between people who know what I am going through and understand my issues. I am thinking about it and I will let you know when I figure out what I will be doing.

We have a friend in labor are prayers are with her.

We have a family friend that is pregnant and has been going through infertility for years. The first time she did in-vetro it didn't work. The second time she did it which was last year she was pregnant and lost the baby at 5 months. This year she tried in-vetro again and got pregnant with triplets and her baby shower was this past Sunday but unfortunately she was not there for it because she was in the hospital. On this past Saturday her water broke and she is only 6 months pregnant. One baby is 1lb 2 oz and the other 2 are under 1lb. We heard from them on Saturday and then again last night and the hospital was trying to stop the contractions but they think she is going to have the babies today. We are all praying for her. She wants a baby so bad and has gone through so much and I hope she gets her dream. I pray that the babies and herself are going to be okay. I hope all of you will pray for her and those little babies. Thanks

Monday, June 8, 2009

Went to Buffalo New York this weekend

I just got back from Buffalo NY. I went to see a friend that I have know since I was little and I haven't seen her in 5 years. She currently is in the orthodontic program in school. No Buffalo New York is not were I lived. I lived on Long Island which is a completely different world. I went to Buffalo to visit this friend that is getting a divorce and a lot of stuff that she has found out that hurts and he anniversary to this guy is this Wednesday which made her sad. I won't get into all the personal details but it was him and not her. I am not just saying that as a friend but it truly was him who was the issue. But any way I went down there and I felt like I was facing my obstacles. I love my dad to death (god rest his soul) but I try not to think about the time he died or his time living in this house in hospice because for obvious reasons it brings me down and gets me upset. My friend Keri who I visited has not seen me since my dad's passing which like I said previously I saw her last 5 years ago and on June 23 it will be 2 years since my dad has been gone. I knew it would be hard but boy was it a lot harder. The first thing when I walk in the door her eyes wheeled up with tears and she said where is your dad. She knows that he was gone but it became a reality for her because when I saw her she saw him too and I would see he mom. Then I started to tear up it was hard. She wanted to hear the details from beginning to end and I felt like I had to re live it all over. It was really difficult. I pushed through and then we talked about her husband or soon to be ex and she is just devastated. She is 27 years old and she hates to say she is divorced at such a young age but like I told her she tried to work it out and he just gave up and threw in the towel and there was nothing for her to do. The problem is she was up set down and depressed and I was not sure if I wanted to drive 4 almost 5 hours to visit her because she has done things in the past that hurt. When we were young we meet through figure skating and she we were really close. We would make plans to hang out and on occasion her friends would call her up about a party and she would ditch me to go to the party and I had to call my mom to pick me up. Now she would ask if I wanted to go but I didn't want to go with a group of her friends and her friends were kind of snotty and stuck up and I was not like that. They went to a private school and parents had a lot of money and they thought they were better and that was not my crowed of people so I wouldn't go. But we made plans first so I thought as a true friend you would be there but I just would get over it. Then as we got older when I was getting married I invested her to my wedding and she made a comment not just like this but the her point was made that she was not going to go unless she stood up in the wedding. I did that for her. My wedding was in August and in June right before my shower she said she couldn't go because she just got into dental school and didn't have the money. I felt like another slap in my face but she went to the shower my mom threw in NY. I had my wedding and no card no call or nothing. I am not even asking for a gift just that you acknowledge that we got married and that you congratulate us. Then I talked to her 2 other times after the wedding and then I didn't here from her for 2 years not on my behalf. I call her 2 months after my fathers passing to tell her and she tells me that she is married out of no where. Well I was a little hurt that I didn't know about it but she said at the time it was a little wedding in the back yard with close friends and family. I let that go. I have talked to here in these 2 years maybe 5 times and I call her most of those times. She called me in April 2 months after she went to a lawyer for the divorce to tell me what was going on. Then I kept calling her after to ask if she would like me to come out and visit and be there for her in the difficult time. I would leave messages and not hear from her for a while then she would call and say that day doesn't work. So my point is this Thursday she calls me to visit this weekend which is so last minute because she needs a friend and is stressed about all that is going on. I debated whether for go out or not with as you can see her track record. I talked to my mom and my other friend to see what they would do. Point of story I decided to go out there because I knew I would feel bad if I didn't and let her down. I find out that she had a elegant wedding with 130 people and 7 people on each side stand up and it was at a nice place and I wasn't even invited. I told her she told me it was in her back yard she swears up and down that she didn't tell me that but I know she did or that would have swayed my decision to go and visit because I would have said ask one of your better friends to go out there but I didn't say anything when she told me and it bothered me the whole rest of the weekend. Not only that but when we would talk she couldn't even put down her black berry and was on her computer I Ming her friends that by the way did stand up in her wedding to talk about her problems with divorce as she is talking to me. I thought that was so rude. We had fun over all but I feel so played and stupid. If I would have know I would never have gone out there.I know she still doesn't know that I am mad and I am contemplating if I should tell her or not how I feel. She kept telling me when I left thank you so much for coming you are one of my best friends but I think that is crap sorry to be harsh but I would never treat my friends as she had done. I just wanted to get some feed back on the situation. I don't know if I was right to keep my mouth shut to avoid confrontation or to tell her how I feel and get it off my chest. I guess I am just hurt and feel stupid. Sorry this is off the topic of adoption but I don't have anything going on with that. I am just frustrated and wished things where different. All I want is a friend that will treat me the way they want to be treated. I try to do that with people and I feel like I am the one that gives to much and must expect to much. All I ask from her is to put down the black berry and the computer and focus on that I came all the way out to her by my self to be there for her and I was missing my husband the whole time and wish in ways that I would have stayed home and I wouldn't have to feel this angry toward her but I probably would have felt bad that I let her down not knowing all this other stuff. I don't know I am just mad and frustrated with people.