Thursday, March 26, 2009

waiting for a baby

I am trying to be so patient through this whole adoption. We have done everything we needed to do and now we just have to wait. That is hard to do and that is the hardest part. It feels like when we went through in-vetro and you had to wait the 2 weeks to see if the eggs took to find out if you were pregnant or not. Those two weeks felt like the longest two weeks of my life. That is what I would compare this too but we don't have a time frame which makes it even harder. Ever day just waiting and hoping that our social worker will call and say your baby is here. I can't think of what else I can do to spread the word. We put up fliers in 3 colleges and I have gone to OBGYN offices and they look at you like you are crazy and they say the patient and the hospital figures that stuff out they tell me. I called the hospitals to see what there process is when someone comes in and says they didn't know they were pregnant or they get to the hospital and say they don't want a baby or even if they drop the baby off at the hospital like I have reed about, but the hospitals already have a process they go through. They work with a social worker and if the mom doesn't want the baby they have adoption agencies they already work with. I have contacted our social worker to see what more we can do and she says we have done everything we can. She said her agency is also contacted by a few hospitals but I hear the hospital calls a few agencies and who ever gets there first the agency gets the child. I hope this doesn't sound crazy but I want a baby so bad. I keep hearing from people that I haven't even been in this adoption for even a year yet but what I feel like they don't understand is that I have been trying and waiting to have a baby for years. I started this adoption in July and yes that would make me somewhat new to adoption but I am willing to try anything to hold a baby in my arms. I just can't wait to have a child and consider us a family instead of a couple. Thank you for listening and just letting me vent. I had something funny to add. So I see cute baby stuff at the store and I will pick it up. Now it is not like I have a whole closet or anything but I have like 8 to 10 things from me or my mother in-law will give to me. Well the other day my husband Tim came in the house and told me to close my eyes and he put (of course a boy) baby outfit in front of me that he picked up at the store. He told me between my mother in-law and I picking up stuff, he said he figured he would pick up something and maybe he would be the good luck charm. I thought that was so cute and sweet of him. He said my mother in-law and and were not bringing the luck and now he is. I just wanted to share that because I thought it was thoughtful and nice. Well thanks again for reading

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Our begining together with lifes up and downs now adoption

I met Tim actually online when I was 18 and he was 21 back in 2000. We met in person about 3 months later. I can honestly say it was love at first site. When I put him on the plane to say good by because we lived in two different states I couldn't stop crying. In fact I told my mom when I got home that was the guy I was going to marry. My parents both liked him but I can tell my mom just thought it was puppy love. Tim and I would visit each other every month. I would go see him for about 4 days one month then he would come down and see me the next. I feel head over heels for him and I knew he did to (because he called me 6-7 times a day). We talked constantly. I went to Thanksgiving at his house that year and then I went back to visit him the day after Christmas. To my surprise as I was in the air on the plane he was calling my dad to ask for my hand in marriage. When I saw him of course it was butterflies and excitement again. When we got back to his parents house everyone was acting a little funny now that I look back but at the time I didn't think anything of it. I was a figure skater when I was younger and a coach to figure skaters. I am telling you this because I loved the ice. It was my place. Tim of course knew that. So after we opened up all our presents he kept pushing for us to go ice skating on his family's pound which I thought was the coolest thing. We went out there and he pretended to play hockey. He kept falling and asking me to help him but all I said is I am going to score at your goal and win and it wasn't my fault your on the ground. I kept scoring goals and I can tell he is getting upset. Of course I thought he was being a poor sport when actually he was trying to fall so he could be on one knee to ask me to marry him. I of course not picking that up keep on scoring goals till finally he knocked in to me and it was pretty hard so I would be on the floor and I just was lying on my belly stunned but not hurt. He takes a lap around the ice then slides on his belly toward me and has this box. We are now face to face on the ice on our belly's and of course I am still not getting it. I asked why he had to be so ruff. He starts telling me that he loves me infinity and beyond and more than life itself and how he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. He started to tell me the story of our first time together and how it was love at first site. He then asked me "Susan will you spend the rest of your life me, I love you and would love it if you would be my wife". He then opens the box and grabs my hand as I am now shacking and says will you marry me and puts the ring on. I was so excited and happy and over joyed. We get up and he is holding me in his arms spinning me around on the ice. I was so happy. Mean while his whole family is in there bathroom where they can see us video taping us. The funniest part my mother in law taped me as I was walking in the house and she says lets see it and in the tape this is the funniest part. She says lets see it my daughter in law to be and then the tape says "you have it on the wrong hand". Oops. I was so excited I didn't know. We were engaged 7 months after meeting. We did have a long engagement. We were engaged for almost 4 years. We were married in 2004. We were not in any rush. A lot went on in that Tim. I moved to Michigan to live with Tim after we where engaged. I moved in June. In the mean time we built a house together which was tough and I was in the nursing program. (my ups)

(downs) Well then my dad got sick. We found out he had cancer and it was in the 4th stage. Then my life changed and felt like it was crashing down on me. It is weird how things work. I felt like I was on top of the world and the happiest I could ever be in my life. I had a great family, Tim's family was great, I had Tim which is my best friend and the love of my life, I was in the nursing program, I was building a house and planning on getting married the next year. Then I am on the way to a class in the nursing program and I never made it there when my mom called to tell me that my dad had cancer. I was crushed and devastated. My dad was not only my dad he was my best friend, my biggest supporter, the rock I would lean on, and someone I really looked up to. He was one of a kind. All my friends loved him and would tell me I have the coolest dad ever and I knew that. They would tell me how lucky I was. Well that day I found out was devastating. I came home and Tim's mom was their to support me and give me love before Tim came home from work to be there for me. I was in the nursing program and I told them I needed to go see my dad and visit him at least for a week. Well it was in between finals and the week after finals another semester started. So they told me I had to take my test or I would be kicked out of the program or be left back to next year. I was very emotional so I didn't say the nicest of things but basically I told them my family comes first and to shove it. That was not a day I was proud of I was leaving the next day to see my dad and they were just giving me worse news and I was so emotional. I left to see my dad being out of the nursing program and leaving Tim with an unfinished house that we were building. We then got worse news when I go there that my dad had cancer in the 4th stage and they can try to do chemo but they gave him 5 years. I hurt more than anything.When I came back our house was almost completed and I missed that and I had to figure out what I was going to do for the rest of my life.

(ups) I decided to go back to school to learn billing and coding. I got my associates degree and got a job at St. John Hospital as a biller. I got married to Tim and luckily I was lucky enough for my dad to walk me down the aisle. It was the happiest day of my life. I had all my family there. We had 150 people and it was beautiful church and a small hall that was just for us so the guest can come and go. I had the best time. We had a desert room, ice sculpture and we danced the night way.
We then talked about children. We were starting to try about a year after we were married. I wanted my dad to meet my children and we could not wait to have a family. We started in 2005. We tried for 8 months then I saw my OB. He did an ultrasound and didn't see anything then did a test on sperm and everything normal.

(downs)He then said to go to a fertility specialist because it was then a year. I went to the fertility doctor and wow there was a lot of tests. Test after test after test. It was an emotional roller coaster. It was up and down. The frustrating part was they couldn't find anything wrong. We didn't have a miscarriage or anything which I am sure is devastating but I felt like I might ever carry a baby at all. I am deathly afraid of needles and doctor said we have done all we can do. Between the Laporscopy, the million ultrasound, blood work, clomid, all the other drugs, artificial insemination's, and hystosonagraphy, and all the other millions of test that took. It has now been 1 year and a half that I have been seen with her and and 2 and half year of trying and she said all we had left to try is in-vetro. I didn't want to make that decision so I decided to take a break go on vacation and try on our own.
(downs) In the meantime with all this infertility stuff I know some of you are going to say well you were stressed and that is why it isn't working but in the beginning of all this when we first started trying we were not stressed at all but here is were the stress really came in. My dad was getting worse and they sold there house because they couldn't afford the house just on my moms income and they were suppose to move to Florida but my dad took a turn for the worst and ended up in the hospital 2 weeks before they were to move out. We found the cancer spread to his brain and it was a tumor which cause him to have seizures. With my parents and brother with no place live and someone needed to take care of my dad Tim and I flew to help move pack up there stuff and move them down to Michigan to live with us. It was hard. We lived with them for 1 year at our house. Tim, my mom, my brother, my sick dad and me. At that time I am 25 years old and have not lived with my family for 6 years. I was also hiding my infertility from people. My family, Tim's family and friend because I didn't want to hear are you pregnant, did it work and all that. It is hard to hide that from family when they are not living with you let alone when they lived with you. My dad's seizures got worse and he was deteriorating right in front of us with nothing I can do. I felt hopeless. The day before my dad past with out me knowing that was the last I would talk to him. I went in his room (in my house) by my self and got him caught up on my life. I told him how work was going and how we were all doing and what was going on. I told him how much I loved him and how I wouldn't be selfish because I didn't want to see him suffer any more with the pain he was in. He couldn't look at you unless you stepped in front of him, he couldn't talk you didn't know if he could hear you, and when you asked him to squeeze your hand he couldn't even do that. But that day the 2 hours of just sitting by his bed he has been bound to for all of 3 month he couldn't get our of it at all I caught him up with life. But the most important thing I told him of all and he was the first to hear was that we were trying to have a baby and that we have been trying for sometime and the doctor wants to continue testing and I am think of adopting but told him he was the first to know that we have been trying. He had a tear come down his cheek and he squeezed my hand for the first time in a long time. I know that took a lot for him to do but he did it and I know he did it for me to make me feel his love even though I always knew it was there. The next day we went in his room and he was still breathing and I was so grateful. The nurse came over to give him his bath and told us he had up to a week left which was better than the other lady that told us he had a day or too. We were kind of excited because we had more time with him which was kind of selfish but we felt bad because he was suffering.Within 5 minutes of that nurse leaving he passed with my mom and myself in the room. I just felt numb and like I wasn't in my body like I was outside of my body and my body was just going through the motions. My mom is yelling at me to do CPR but that was not what my dad wanted and he wouldn't make it he was in hospice. I screamed for my Tim and it was only when Tim came and confirmed it for my mom and myself that he was gone was that I really just start to cry historically. It is hard to think I will never see him again and he will never meet my kids and I am only 25 years old and he was only 48 years old. by brother and mom moved to Florida as planned 3 months later but it is still a struggle some days up some down when I walk around my house and have memories of him in happy time and the day of his passing all at once in my house.
(ups and downs)This is where we went on our vacation on a cruise to get away from it all to reflect on my dad and decide if in vetro was for us. I was emotional still and always about my dad but very focused more then ever to have a family. We were split down the middle as I said before I hate needles. My husband wanted to try the in-vetro and I wanted to do adoption. I was all for adoption. I also hated when people would say to me if you go through with adoption and get pregnant what are you going to do. I always say nothing. There both my kids and will love them both the same and I would actually be a little more overprotected of the child that is adopted because I don't want them to ever feel that way. I want them to know our loved and that no one Else will treat them any different either because there not as I tell people. Just because they were not in my belly doesn't mean that I love them any different I gave birth through the heart.
Well I told my husband we will try the in-vetro. We tryed and it didn't work and it was very emotional. I also tryed the frozen eggs they had and that didn't work either. That was a very devastating time and when I started in-vetro everyone knew about the problems we had getting pregnant and they knew we went through in-vetro. I was devastating. You get depressed and upset and I never thought it would be so tough. I felt like the only person in the world going through this and everyone just kept saying it would happen it would happen.

(ups) Well in my old fashion style I picked my self back up and brushed my self off and told Tim what do you think of my idea I had about adoption and he was all for it. I was so excited. In the mean time everyone kept asking if I was pregnant and the doctors found nothing wrong but I just didn't get pregnant and I just wanted to put it all behind me and move forward. I looked at all there websites of children waiting to be adopted and it was so sad. I love kids and can't wait to have some. Everyone still thinks I will get pregnant and that it is just stress but My dad past in 2007 which is not easy but I don't feel the stress I felt at that time, the in-vetro was stressful but that was last year and now I am looking forward and trying not to look back. That is the only way to keep smiling and not get upset or depressed. I want to give all of myself to that child when they come into our lives. It is not fair to them to come into our lives with our baggage. I can't wait till that day come. So yes we have been through high up and very low downs but we are still standing and taller then ever before. We want to adopt more then anything in the entire world. That day when I get to hold that little one will be one of the happiest days of my life but until then we are waiting for that little one to grow big and healthy in there birth moms belly. I can't wait for bake sales, and field trips, school parties and there first day of school, graduation and holding that little one for the first time my ultimate joy. Until then we are waiting for you little one.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Trying to spread the word

I have been trying to pass the word that we are looking to adopt. We were trying figure out what avenues to go down. One by my agency was to blog another is to put flyer's or business card up at colleges. Well I made flyer's and posted them all over the colleges to spread the word. I am not going to lie it was hard to figure out how to make a fly er to let people know that we care and want more than anything in the world to adopt a child but also not make is like we are adopting a puppy. I want people who saw the fly er to know that we were a serious couple. Besides the college I also posted it at the hospitals usually by the cafeteria there is a board. I posted it also in a few high volume supermarkets. But I only did this on one side of town which took me a few hours so this weekend I am going to try to post it in town on the other side of town. All I can say is I am trying to do the best that I can to spread the word. It is hard to just sit back and wait. I also got some what of good news from my agency. They told me that had there first mom of the year walk in last Friday and that she showed her our profile and that she liked it but she did want to choose someone that already had a child. So yes we were not chosen (bummer) but it made me feel some much hope and excitement that at least a birth mom saw us. It gives me this happy hope that we will be chosen soon too. You just have to keep the faith. Well I will tell you what happens or where I went after this weekend. Thanks for visiting.