Monday, May 18, 2009

Got through the weekend

I had a baby shower this weekend for one of our friends. Well everyone knows my circumstances so as we had to watch our friends be in baby bliss opening gifts and my table all watching my reaction to her opening gifts. That was hard but I put a big smile on my face and acted as I was so excited. You would think that if everyone knew my circumstance they would not make it so obvious to look at me and make me feel so uncomfortable in a situation were I was already walking in uncomfortable. They kept asking about my adoption. What am I suppose to say. I feel like they just asked me just to ask because they don't know what to say. But obviously nothing is going on with adoption or everyone would know. It was a little weird I have to admit. The first time I had to go to a baby shower nobody knew my circumstances but my mother in law and so it made it easy because no eyes were on me. Then we had a baby shower for 3 people at work and the office was looking at me and the mother's it felt like they felt uncomfortable to be excited of there gifts in front of me because that was just after I found out the invetro didn't take. I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. But this shower was a close friend to all of us so it made it feel even more uncomfortable of course I knew more people and they knew my situation which of course made it harder. What was I suppose to do. I am just happy I got through it. I am just not to be mean but honest I am sick of going to baby showers. I know I keep telling myself one day it will be me but they just feel harder and harder to go to and this last one felt the hardest. When you are trying to sit back and be as calm and normal as possible when you feel envious and when is it my turn, and why and then you have everyone looking at you it makes it that much harder to be normal and comfortable.These friends who had the baby shower are the friends that had a baby the first month they tried. The situation was this. I let everyone know last June and July that we had problems and did the in vetro and it didn't work and that we were going to adopt. I can tell that a lot of people thought I was just jumping into adoption but they didn't understand because they didn't know when we started trying and they didn't know we were struggling to get pregnant. All they knew and found out at once was that we had trouble and we were adopting. So we had people tell us to keep trying it takes time but I had to explain to them that I know this is new to you but this is really old to us. You are just finding out and we have struggled for years without you knowing it.So then my one friend said she was going to try in July and I came to her in July to tell me what happened to me. Then we started then we needed references for the adoption so we picked our friends. Well then I think the wheels started to spin for our other friend that everyone is trying to have a baby but them so then she started trying and got pregnant right away. When you talk with them you can tell they didn't expect it to happen so quick I honestly felt like they were trying because everyone else was and they didn't want to be the only ones' that don't have kids. Well now I feel like they are a little timid and scared. I can't say for them but I think they were not 100% ready for this to happen right away so I think that they are a little overwhelmed. Which in turn for me to go to the shower and watch them pick up all these things when I really want this and they sort of had it handed to them without any hesitation and they are not looking as they are really ready for this, I think that is what makes it hard. Don't get me wrong they are our friends and we are happy for them but that feeling I am trying to describe without making others think I am a mean person is there. I don't know how else to explain it without it sounding mean. They are also the friends that I never hear them talk really about the baby I hear them talking about what she has been through and sometimes it is like I don't need an educational session on what pregnancy is about or what you went through I want to hear stuff like you can't wait to touch and meet this baby. I can't wait till that day comes. We are already attached and can't wait to show this baby all the love in the world. That is the kind of stuff I want to hear about. That you appreciate that you got pregnant and that you are blessed with this baby. Not about woe's me what I went through. And pregnancy was tough and I am gaining weight and all the negatives. I don't want to hear those things I wasn't to hear positive and appreciation that this happened. I think that is what makes it hard because I would take it so much differently. I don't care if I vomited everyday during pregnancy, I would enjoy every minute that I was pregnant and I would think about that baby every day. I feel like people who go through infertility become different parents because they would appreciate that child so much because they have wanted that child for so long. I talk to other friends that have kids and they are always complaining about there kids. They are excited there kids are with there dad for the weekend, they say my kids are driving me crazy and nothing is the same anymore. They say so many negative things about there kids when all I want in the entire world is a family and a child to love. When they say these things I don;t think they know how it affects Tim and I when we hear them we always look at each other and know what we are thinking. I told one dad this weekend you can give us your child and he laughed and say take her. I just shack my head. I know he was kidding about it but they don't know what they have. I am sorry if this offends anyone but I am honestly speaking straight from the heart today without any hesitation and I can see how some people who may not be going through this situation and may feel offended but all I ask is that you appreciate what you have everyday and tell them that you love them always so that they know and never have to guess at your love for them. Those people who haven't gone through this it is hard to understand the feelings without you going through it yourself. One of my friends are having trouble being pregnant and is now knowing what it feels like and understands where I am coming from when she said she never understood before until now. Thank you for letting me talk and for you to listen and hopefully not be mad at what I had expressed. Thank you!


  1. Sounds like a tough weekend (like mine!).
    I HATE baby showers. It's too much of a reminder, but we end up going out of love or sometimes out of fear we'll make them angry if we don't go. That is honestly the only reason I went to my sister in-laws shower 2 years ago. I knew her family would be mad if I didn't go. But with her second child I am looking out for ME. If I don't think I'm up to it, then I won't go see her in the hospital when she has the baby. It's my nephew and so it sounds harsh, but some days I just don't feel emotionally stable and try to avoid things that I think would make me break down.
    I can also understand how you feel about pregnancy talk. I had 5 friends that were pregnant and only one would talk about it. And she spared no details. She was sick, she felt it kick. It was fun to hear the good stuff with the bad. I think people only talk about the negative because they are trying to make us feel like we aren't missing out on something. I know it doesn't help and it just upsets us more, but I think they don't realize that and they really are just trying to make it seem less fun to us.
    When people ask us about our adoption, I just say "About the same it was last time you asked," and then I always thank them for asking because it does mean a lot to me. But I know several people don't like having no news all the time so they just tell their family and friends to keep them in their prayers, but to not ask any questions. When there is information or news to share, you will let them know. If you get tired of having nothing to share when they ask you could just tell them that.
    I am still learning that sometimes people just don't know what to say or do. I have this problem continually with family and I get so frustrated, but I guess they will truly never understand and I need to be more forgiving. And this is probably mean, but my philosophy is if they show they care now before the adoption, then I will let them hold my baby when I do get one. If they show no concern now, I will do the same when my child is here.

  2. Thanks for your insite. I know I am probably taking this too personal but I hear negative after negative and I just want to say just thank your lucky stars you are not going through what I have had to go through. You would appreciate the pregnancy so much more if you knew what it felt like not to get pregnant. I think she knows I am avoiding her. What can I do I have to do what is best for me or I will loss it. I am just happy the shower is over with and I made it through. Thanks for the word and inspiration.