At a stand still

Well not much going on over here. I e-mailed my social worker to find out what ever happened with those two women who came in 3 weeks ago and that were interested in adopting. She wrote me back yesterday to say that one they had not heard back from and the other she said was having a lot of morning sickness and said she would think about things and maybe get back to them later in the pregnancy. So that good new that I thought would come about and share it is now like I am back to square one with no leads of possibilities. It is kind of discouraging and disappointing because even if those moms did follow through with the adoption and choose someone else I would feel like we at least had a chance and were that much closer. :( What can you do though but hope and pray that we can have our dream to become parents soon. We posted all those fliers like 2 months ago and I have not received one e-mail from anyone. I posted them in 4 colleges. I thought there would be maybe one person that would call or even check the blog just to see who I was or anything and I have not heard a thing. My mother in law this past week has brought up surrogacy and I am trying to explain that it is expensive not to mention I would have to do the in vetro all over again which was a night mare. On top of all that you hear those hora stories. I am trying to be patient but patients gets worn thin after a while. I am young and would never have imagined that I would be going through all these issues at such a young age. I know it is not my fault as people tell me but I always think what did I eat when I was younger that could have caused this issue or what could I have done. Did I do anything were I fell hard. All these I guess silly questions go through my mind of what could I have done better or am I that bad of a human being. There are people like Nadia Suleman that has 14 children and she doesn't even give them the love and attention they deserve she flaunts them to the camera like a circus and it makes me think why would god give a women that is so unstable and unable to take care of her children 14 children when all I am asking for is 1 and I would love them to death. It makes me sad and how selfish people are. Don't get me wrong every child is a blessing but 14 children and she tried after her 6th to have more. Those eggs could have been donated to someone who had trouble getting pregnant or she could have had the babies and thought of adoption. I was at the grocery store today and this women came in she had 5 children all under the age that I would say 7. I was going down the isle and I saw this child's hat on the floor so I picked it up and put it by my purse until I found someone who worked there in one of the isles as I approached the next isle I saw this mom yelling and screaming and embarrassing this child that was maybe 4 or 5 about her hat and where did she put it and why does she do this to her and that the child drives her crazy and better find the hat or else. As I was hearing this I was coming up to the little girl to give her the hat and the mom said where did you find that hat and I explained the isle over and she grabbed her child by the hand to bring her over there as she left her oldest child that couldn't have been over the age of 7 to watch the other 2 little kids and one infant. She never said thank you and I couldn't believe my eyes. I never saw her physically harm her but the verbal abuse to me was enough. When I got in line shore enough she was 2 carts in front of me still yelling at her kids as she is trying to pay in food stamps while she had clothes for herself in the wagon with maybe 10 things of groceries and they kids I thought were not clean. Come on where is the fairness of that. That is probably why I wrote on my blog today out of frustration. I was just looking at those kids like I wish I could help I wish I could show those kids what a real mom is. Now I know I am not this mom and I don't know her circumstance but 5 kids that are dirty and you leave a young child to watch all the other kids while you show a 5 or 6 year old where she left her hat. That to me was just unbelievable. How fair is that, although I know life isn't fair and that was not the smartest statement. Thank you for lsitening to me vent a bit. I try to be postitive but some days are harder then others and I think today my emotions were pushed over the edge. Thanks for listenign though.

Easter

I don't know why that is but it is hard on the holidays. I was missing my dad on Easter and all I kept thinking was if I had a baby I would be dressing them up in cute close and going to church together and going to grandma's. It was hard. I have been doing okay with my ambition that my day will come where I will have a baby but yesterday I just crumbled. I just felt like it was never going to happen. I know it will but I just felt defeated. I go to work everyone asking how my Easter was and we went to my in-laws house but it just felt like any other day and I felt that void in my heart and a little bit of anger about my infertility. I really haven't had anger over infertility I just always said it is what it is and I really didn't want to go through the infertility my husband did and I wantedto adopt. I knew he wouldn't go into adoption whole heatedly without us trying infertility so I did it and now I feel like I am paying for it. My body has not been the same and it has just been ruff. I told my husband it is horrible. I am young and I already feel like I am falling apart. I just need to refuel my batteries and get back on my positive track. Just some days I vear off course but I will try to turn it around.

Some Good Info

I have some good news to people waiting to adopt. Thanks to my blogging bud Savanna from countless tomorrows posted it for me when I gave the news to her. I just found this out the beginning of last week that there is a website http://www.parentgallery.com/ that is a new website that you can post your adoption profiles for free. Yes I said for FREE. I was busy with work and everything going on that I didn't get a chance to blog about this and when I check my blog I usually just check to see if anyone left me any information. I came across countless tomorrows new blog and I responded to let them know about this free website I stumbled on to. I didn't have a chance to put my profile on it yet but on countless tomorrows (blog site) stated they tried and state it was easy with no problem. I was planning on getting on this weekend now that I have more time. I just wanted to share the information with everyone and hope that this helps.

Also I have some what of good news. So we are doing our adoption with Catholic Social Services in Michigan. Well they have patients that come in on a case to case basis. They counsel the women and help women that are pregnant. They first see if they can set a plan for the women to keep the child and if the mom states she can not have means to keep the child then they start going through the adoption process. Well the agency said they have been slow the last 2 years and how last year they only have 3 children adopted. They only do adoption in the surrounding area of the agency is why the numbers are lower but it is local. They said that the baby's have not been coming in till the end of summer which I thought was weird. But sorry my point and getting to the good news we already had one mom come in and give her child up for adoption last month and she choose someone that already had a child because she wanted her child to have a sibling. Then I was just told yesterday that 2 more people came in for possible adoption and they are in there 2 and 3rd month. The one is young and is not sure but is being counseled and it sounds like she is leaning toward adoption and the anther women is married and is getting serious about adoption I was told. That makes me feel good because we have more chances and the women are coming in earlier in the year then years past. We are 1 of 6 people who are first time parents waiting then there are 5 others that are 2nd time parents. Which it is unfortunate that I was told usually when the mom looks at our profiles they choose the first time parents first. Although the women last month did choose someone that already had a child. Well that makes me feel good about the odds it makes me feel bad for the 2nd time parents because how long they have been waiting too. But at the same time I have never had my chance to have a baby and they have at least experienced that. I always told Tim (my husband) that I wanted 2 children a boy and a girl but now after all that we have been through if I only had one I would be on top of the moon regardless if I can only have one and regardless of the sex of the baby. Yes they would probably be spoiled rotten if they were the only child because on top of being the only child they would be the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Which would be exciting. The other issue is my social worker also told everyone to be ready for meeting the expecting mom and to be ready for the questions they ask which is nerve racking. You want to answer them honestly but at the same time you want them to like you from meeting the first time which is a lot of pressure. My other issue is I need to complete my scrap book. My social worker told me we all need a scrap book of Tim and myselves life together. I started this scrap book in the summer when we started the adoption and still never completed it. It was 20 pages and I have 5 more pages left that now I am also going to have to try to complete this weekend as well. I am doing the scrap book by hand and this is the first one but I always loved doing artsy stuff so I take a long time on it. Well have have pages of Tim and I as baby's and pictures of then and now with our siblings, I have a picture of our friend and called it our circle of friend. I also I have a picture of our families and named it family ties and tied the pictures and letter together. It is really cute and those pages were easy but the ones that are taking me so much time are the pictures of Tim and I together. Last night I completed or wedding pages but that took close to 4 hours to do. I feel like those pages with us on it are the hardest. I want them too look and show our love but I don't want it to be to over the top or sappy. I am trying to make it interesting. I have a page of just us at the base ball game that is cute but the ones were we are loving with hugs and posing are kind of hard so wish me luck this weekend. Well I have to go so I can get started on the scrap book but I will keep you posted on what happens and if we have an interview or not. Thanks for the thought and the prayers.