Sorry it has been so long

So sorry it has been so long since I posted. Hope you didn't think I feel of the planet. Not much has gone on. I have talked to DHS (Department of Human Services), they deal with foster care and also adoption. I don't know were I am at, at this point. I go on websites and see all these children that are waiting for parents but the children at 4 and older. I always said infant, infant but I think that is because when you go through infertility all you think of is infants I don't feel like I have really thought about older children until just recently. I am not saying older like a 12 year old or anything like that but older than an infant. I have talked to people and everyone has mixed feelings. DHS is in every state and every county. You will not believe what they charge for adoptions through them. They charge $160 for legal fee and $40 for birth certificate. When I heard that I almost feel off my chair. If you have read my blog you know that I don't quit. I keep trying to find out different ways to get the word out and get our info in as many places and use as many outlets as I can. I talked to my agency and they stated that they can keep us on the list as we transfer our foster license to DHS. Which is pretty cool because then we are on both lists and if our agency get a baby for us we just need to transfer the license back. For those of you new to adoption the foster license is so you can take the baby from the hospital with out the child going into foster care then when the adoption is finalised you would get the child. The foster license allows us to foster the baby until the adoption is finalised. Also I talked to an adoption lawyer and he has a free list for adoption that he put us on. If interested you should check in your state. I went in the yellow pages and looked under lawyer and then looked under adoption lawyer. There are family law lawyers but they deal a lot with adoption within a family like a step mom or dad adopting. So you can call an adoption lawyer in your state and see if they have a free list you can go on. Of course to warn and let you know if you missed it, it of course is free because you would have to pay the lawyer to finalize and do your adoption versus your agency. I know more money that is what I said but he said it shouldn't be any more than $5,000 and he said that is on the high end if it was a hard adoption. So of course I said why not another list to be on. The list he has is due to him working with pregnancy crisis centers that refer pregnant women to there firm when they wish to make an adoption plan. I had to give the lawyer 5 copies of our profile to hand out and I had to fill out information on what type of baby we were willing to take and info about us. Stuff like that so you might want to look into that in your area. I stumbled across that one. If you do also decide to talk to DHS in your area about possible adopting from them I should warn you there are some questions you should first ask. I just know that from this Memorial day my brother in-laws friend Jen use to be a social worker for DHS in Chicago. She is now a pharmacy rep but she gave me a lot of pointers to ask because every state is different and she didn't know the laws in Michigan. She said to ask how many adoptions do they do a month and how many of those adoptions are kin-ship adoption (meaning relatives, family members adopting). The second ask how they get baby's to be adopted out of there facility because usually when a birth mom goes to DHS it is because she is not willing to give up her parental rights. Another question was if I wanted to try to adopt over the age of 2 years old can I be put on the foster care list to only foster children that parental rights were terminated. I have thought about foster care but my husband is defiantly opposed so I decided not to go through with fostering. He says he doesn't want to be mean but he would put a wall up so he didn't get hurt when they left. I have to admit I think I would be really upset I just wanted to help the child and put a smile on there faces but if Tim is not in I can't move along I want us to both be on the same page but he did agree to fostering a child that parental rights were terminated. Jen said from her experience that over the age of two the children if in the system have issue's and I knew that but she says to first foster to see if you can handle it. She said that the first 2-3 months the children are just wanting to please you then after that they will start to revert back to old behaviors and maybe hit and start wetting the bed and yelling and she said to try it out to make sure it is a good fit. When called DHS they said that they get the new Born's from when parents rights have been terminated already from the other children and they keep getting pregnant. She said they do 75-100 adoptions in a month and 40-50% are kin-ship adoptions. She said that if we only want to foster a child that rights have been terminated she can do that. She said when you foster a child you can ask for what ever you want to watch or can handle. So that is some info that I have got. I figured I would share with you in case you may be interested. That means we would be on 3 different lists which I figure will increase our chances of adopting. I hope this helps. If not that is what is going on with me and what I have found. I am existed and hope it works. Thanks for listening and until next time. Talk to you all soon.

Got through the weekend

I had a baby shower this weekend for one of our friends. Well everyone knows my circumstances so as we had to watch our friends be in baby bliss opening gifts and my table all watching my reaction to her opening gifts. That was hard but I put a big smile on my face and acted as I was so excited. You would think that if everyone knew my circumstance they would not make it so obvious to look at me and make me feel so uncomfortable in a situation were I was already walking in uncomfortable. They kept asking about my adoption. What am I suppose to say. I feel like they just asked me just to ask because they don't know what to say. But obviously nothing is going on with adoption or everyone would know. It was a little weird I have to admit. The first time I had to go to a baby shower nobody knew my circumstances but my mother in law and so it made it easy because no eyes were on me. Then we had a baby shower for 3 people at work and the office was looking at me and the mother's it felt like they felt uncomfortable to be excited of there gifts in front of me because that was just after I found out the invetro didn't take. I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. But this shower was a close friend to all of us so it made it feel even more uncomfortable of course I knew more people and they knew my situation which of course made it harder. What was I suppose to do. I am just happy I got through it. I am just not to be mean but honest I am sick of going to baby showers. I know I keep telling myself one day it will be me but they just feel harder and harder to go to and this last one felt the hardest. When you are trying to sit back and be as calm and normal as possible when you feel envious and when is it my turn, and why and then you have everyone looking at you it makes it that much harder to be normal and comfortable.These friends who had the baby shower are the friends that had a baby the first month they tried. The situation was this. I let everyone know last June and July that we had problems and did the in vetro and it didn't work and that we were going to adopt. I can tell that a lot of people thought I was just jumping into adoption but they didn't understand because they didn't know when we started trying and they didn't know we were struggling to get pregnant. All they knew and found out at once was that we had trouble and we were adopting. So we had people tell us to keep trying it takes time but I had to explain to them that I know this is new to you but this is really old to us. You are just finding out and we have struggled for years without you knowing it.So then my one friend said she was going to try in July and I came to her in July to tell me what happened to me. Then we started then we needed references for the adoption so we picked our friends. Well then I think the wheels started to spin for our other friend that everyone is trying to have a baby but them so then she started trying and got pregnant right away. When you talk with them you can tell they didn't expect it to happen so quick I honestly felt like they were trying because everyone else was and they didn't want to be the only ones' that don't have kids. Well now I feel like they are a little timid and scared. I can't say for them but I think they were not 100% ready for this to happen right away so I think that they are a little overwhelmed. Which in turn for me to go to the shower and watch them pick up all these things when I really want this and they sort of had it handed to them without any hesitation and they are not looking as they are really ready for this, I think that is what makes it hard. Don't get me wrong they are our friends and we are happy for them but that feeling I am trying to describe without making others think I am a mean person is there. I don't know how else to explain it without it sounding mean. They are also the friends that I never hear them talk really about the baby I hear them talking about what she has been through and sometimes it is like I don't need an educational session on what pregnancy is about or what you went through I want to hear stuff like you can't wait to touch and meet this baby. I can't wait till that day comes. We are already attached and can't wait to show this baby all the love in the world. That is the kind of stuff I want to hear about. That you appreciate that you got pregnant and that you are blessed with this baby. Not about woe's me what I went through. And pregnancy was tough and I am gaining weight and all the negatives. I don't want to hear those things I wasn't to hear positive and appreciation that this happened. I think that is what makes it hard because I would take it so much differently. I don't care if I vomited everyday during pregnancy, I would enjoy every minute that I was pregnant and I would think about that baby every day. I feel like people who go through infertility become different parents because they would appreciate that child so much because they have wanted that child for so long. I talk to other friends that have kids and they are always complaining about there kids. They are excited there kids are with there dad for the weekend, they say my kids are driving me crazy and nothing is the same anymore. They say so many negative things about there kids when all I want in the entire world is a family and a child to love. When they say these things I don;t think they know how it affects Tim and I when we hear them we always look at each other and know what we are thinking. I told one dad this weekend you can give us your child and he laughed and say take her. I just shack my head. I know he was kidding about it but they don't know what they have. I am sorry if this offends anyone but I am honestly speaking straight from the heart today without any hesitation and I can see how some people who may not be going through this situation and may feel offended but all I ask is that you appreciate what you have everyday and tell them that you love them always so that they know and never have to guess at your love for them. Those people who haven't gone through this it is hard to understand the feelings without you going through it yourself. One of my friends are having trouble being pregnant and is now knowing what it feels like and understands where I am coming from when she said she never understood before until now. Thank you for letting me talk and for you to listen and hopefully not be mad at what I had expressed. Thank you!

A better day!

I usually only post once a week because I am usually so busy and sometimes don't have much going on but I couldn't leave my blog after yesterday on a sour note. I don't like expressing my negative feelings to everyone although I am sure you all understand why I was sad. I just didn't need to be blogging yesterday. On a better note, I am feeling a ton better. I am in high spirits today which is great and another thing that is great but not for my job is the computers crashed at around 9:30 am this morning and they told us we had the option to go home. Well I worked till 11:30 to try to do all I can do without the computer which that is basically my whole job for medical billing so I left at 11:30 and came home to post on my blog now at 12:30. It is a nice sunny day here in Michigan. It is about 70 degrees. So pretty nice especially for Michigan and in May. So after I post this I think I am going to sit outside and read a book and just enjoy the rest of the day. Tim was really sweet yesterday so when he came home from work he took me out to dinner and bought an ice cream cake and wrote on it happy birthday dad. I thought that was sweet, it made me cry of course but it was really sweet. So I am doing excellent today and looking forward to getting out in the sun and enjoying. Just wanted to end on a positive note or it would have bothered me all weekend and I just want to be care free this weekend. Also thanks for those for the warm thoughts yesterday. Greatly appreciated.

Happy Birthday Dad

Today was a ruff day. It is my dad's or would have been my dad's 50th Birthday. I miss my dad so much and today was just a ruff day. I just wanted to tell my dad I was thinking of him. Nothing really going on with adoption. Things have remained the same no call yet. Don't have much to do. I have done everything I can think of to spread the word. I guess I just have to wait. My problem is I am a go getter and a fighter. I never give up and I feel a bit defeated and I might feel a little more defeated today b/c I am more sensitive because today is my dad's birthday. Sorry I am a little down but I promise next time I will turn this around on a better day.

Busy week with work and all

I try to post every week. I don't know how people post every day. I guess I don't have that interesting of a life. I pretty much work, come home clean call anyone I need to catch up with and do other things that need to be done around our house but for the most part work. I try to explain to Tim that I tell my work yes all the time to stay after and to do extra time because when the time comes for us that we have a baby I will not be picking up on extra hours at work and not only that but I want them to approve my work schedule I would like to change. Right now my regular hours at work are Tuesday thru Friday 10 hour work days. That is what I am scheduled I go to work at 5:45 am to start and am suppose to leave at about 4 pm. Well those hours don't happen at all. This last week I was putting in 11 to 13 hours a day and I had to work from home on Monday. It has been crazily busy. I am a medical biller for St John Hospital and Medical centers. We have like 50 people in our department. Our company has about 60 or more offices and the office's have 1 to 11 doctors in that one office that we bill for. So yeah we are out numbered. Not only that but every month we tend to miss people from medical leaves any where from 6 weeks to 3 months which can back log us and we have had a lot of pregnant women at work (which of course I am happy for them but envious at the same time) that go on maternity or bed rest from the pregnancy so then it us to people to pick up the slack. Well you can guess why I am chosen. I have no kids to drop of or pick up from school and no babysitter so of course Susan is the obvious choice. In our department of about 50 of us there is 4 maybe 5 of us that do not have children. I say maybe 5 because we just got a new person working for us. Well any way those other other 3 people rarely ever pick up the over time that is offered and I know my boss likes me and counts on me all the time to get work caught up and keep us as current as possible but we keep on added private offices and there is not enough of us to cover so we are quiet over whelmed. They refuse to hire more staff at this time because they say of budget. The new person that was just hired was replacing a co worker we lost. My point is when I have a baby I already talked to my boss about a schedule changed when the baby comes to let them know now to get use to the idea. I want to stay home but that is not possible for me as I would carry the insurance for the whole family. My husband has his own small business as an excavator (I say he plays in the dirt). I work for St. John's so I have insurance and it is not cost for me but it is a cost to add my husband and a child to the policy so I have to work. But if I have to work I want to be with my baby as much as I can so not to miss a moment of there first smile, first tooth, first word, first step and all the great milestones, I want to be there for all of it. I worked this hard to have a baby I don't want to miss anything if I can help it and if I am at work I talked to Tim's mom about helping me watch the baby and what schedule would be best for her. My mom lives in Florida so I pretty much only have Tim's mom to depend on and I know a lot of people are for day care centers but I first off don't want my infant in a day care center and if I had to put them in one I would like them to first be able to express by talking what they need or want so I can see how the day care is going for them. If I can help it I would like family like grandma to help but not all the time because I don't want them to feel that they always go to grandma's house, I want them to still be excited to see grandma every time they see her. So I talked to Tim's mom and she said she can watch the baby on Tuesday's and Wednesday's. I then in turn talked to my boss about working out a schedule that I would do 3 day 12 hour shifts on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday but on Thursday if I can work from home and then on Friday if I came in for 4 hours from 6-10 and Tim will watch the baby and when I came home from work at 10:30 he could then leave for work. My boss said she would talk it over with her boss and that we would work something out. It sounds promising and I think if I do all the extra hours now and show how viable I am that they should grant me those hours. Well see but the pay for time and a half for the extra hours I can't complain about either because adoption is expensive and I need every penny I can get right now. We did the in-vetro last year then went right into adoption so we need all of our pennies not just for the adoption but also after the baby gets here.I know we will probably have a baby shower after the baby gets here but diapers and formula are expensive. Today I feel like instead of being in the moment right now of work and no baby I would try to be positive by thinking of the future. It makes me smile to think about this baby. When we will have the baby and will it be a girl or a boy doesn't matter but just wondering what they will look like and what there personality would be like is all so exciting to think about. I always think about what that day will be like the moment I see the baby for the first time and to hold him/her for the first time. That is just so exciting. It at least gives me something to look forward to. To keep me going on those bad days or busy days of long hours at work I try to keep reminding my self it will be all worth it on that day. That is pretty much the only thing keeping me going and not from falling apart emotionally. I guess it is called keeping the faith that god would know I would make an excellent mother and he would not want Tim or I to be childless. I know I am very motherly and can't wait for the first day of school but I know my child will be frustrated with all the pictures I would take of there first day. I can't wait to participate for the bake sales and the Halloween and Christmas parties and even to go on there field trips as a chaperon. I also can't wait to go to there class residuals and any sports they plan to join even the day there graduate will all be so exciting. These are all things I can't wait and look forward to. Tim is a man to look up to. I know our baby will look up to him. He will guide them and show them things. He will help them to be raised with respect, integrate, and honest. I know he will make an excellent father. I know he would probably want to coach the team whether we have a son in baseball or a daughter in soccer he would be right there coaching and mentoring as I would be cheering on the side lines. I also can't wait to when they are young enough but old enough to go to Disney land and see Mickey and Minnie for the first time. These are all fun and exciting things that I can't wait to share with our kids. Of course we have to get there first. But these are all the things that I think about that keeps driving me. Thank you all for listening to my thought.