Thursday, August 13, 2009

sorry it has been so long

Sorry it has been a while since I posted. Not much has gone on to report about. I am still waiting. I went on vacation the end of July then Tim and I are going away for our 5 year anniversary which is August 28. We are leaving that weekend for Traverse City. I know it will be fun and keep my mind off of stuff and my 28 year birthday is the 23 of August. I hope this is the month for good news keep the fingers crossed.
Some days are hard. Emotions are up and down but I know I am good at masking all the emotions, I have been doing it since my dad was ill so I have had practice. Although I don't want people to think I am being a fake person because I hate that I just don't want to be negative or a downer. Don't want to bring people down with me. I am not like that. I try to exercise with Tim in town to I guess they say it relieves stress but when I run all I do is think. It is like right before you go to bed for some reason I just think about what I wish I can change or do same way for me when I run. Really there is nothing I can do or change so I try to get it out of my head so it doesn't consume my every thought because that can change your mood quiet a bit. When I try to change my mood to happy and positive it does work for a few days maybe some times even 2 weeks but then the things that raddled me start to creep under my skin again and then it is hard to get out of that funk. I just am sick of crap coming down and with no view of things looking up. That can get you down and wear you out after a while. I am asked constantly about how is the adoption. Well it is rounding a year and no body See's a baby in my hand yet so here we go with another year. It gets to be discouraging. I am just venting now so that I will feel better later and maybe for a few more days. Right now all I want is to be happy. I wrote a list the other day of what I am appreciative for to keep things in perspective. Lets start with the negative then end with the positive on my appreciation list. Negative is I have been struggling to have a family for 4 years with infertility and now a adoption for a year. I have gained some weight that I struggle to get off from the invetro. I will never see, hear or hug my dad again. That is a huge downer because he was my number one supporter always and was always there for me and I wouldn't be this bad if he didn't pass I would feel more normal if that didn't happen. Life changed so it is hard to get control over my life which is hard for me because I always orchestrated my life and kept it on a path always reaching higher and now I feel it spiraled out of control and I am trying to hold on to it. My mom started dating 4 months after my dad passed and now has changed guys since then and meet a new guy in December and is now wanting to marry him in June. When I call her or she calls me all she wants to talk about is her and her boyfriend and can give a crap to ask how I am doing just to tell me how great and wonderful her life is all the time which I think I keep it all together rather nice. She doesn't know I pull the phone away from my ear for a little bit as to not want to scream at her and say selfish. She has yet to come to my house and visit in the past 2 years that is has moved and I have visited her 2 times and she keeps on bugging me when are we going back out to SEE HER. Hahaha. My brother can give a crap about me he only calls when he wants something or if I call him he rushes me off the phone all the time he can't be bothered even though my mom gave him practically her house so she can move in with her boyfriend and I had her live here a year with my dad, brother and mom and didn't get a dime or any appreciation for that matter. I by the way don't want anything but it is the point of the matter she and my brother can even just appreciate that we had them here and all the stuff that went on here. Don't want to get into all of that mess. And now my mom is getting married and then tells me if she can get married in my back yard here. No she didn't ask me she said she was thinking about it. If you can see I have no support of my family besides Tim who has been my number one fan after my father's passing (because my dad always was) and that makes me want a family even more then ever. My heart cries for a child and a family. I can't wait to take them Trick or Treating and dress them up, have Christmas with the family, take a million pictures of there first day of school, participate in there bake sales and Christmas parties, there field trips, take them on there first vacation to Disney, and playing with them and hearing them do that cute kid giggle like they are having the most fun. I can't wait for all these things and though I try to wait patiently my patients is tending to wear thinner and thinner now a days.
Okay lets get back on track. Now what I appreciate. I appreciate my husband he is the best and has been there for me in the best of times and in horrible times and always trying to lift my spirits. I am sure I stress him out but I always tell him thank you for making me smile. I appreciate my house and my car and the land we have. I appreciate my mother and father in law they are great. I appreciate the time I have had with my dad and how he did get to walk me down the isle. I appreciate my friends. I appreciate my health as well as Tim's health. I am very appreciative of that. I appreciate that we both have a job in this ruff economy. I appreciate that we have what we have. I appreciate our cottage. I appreciate that we have a means to adopt as some people do not so they wouldn't get there dream to become a parent and I appreciate that we can do that. I appreciate the support I had by cards we received expressing there sympathy for my dad and trying to give me strength. I appreciate that I meet time and I found that one special person in my life that does support me in my ups and downs.
All in all I know everyone says everything happens for a reason but I am still trying to figure it all out as to why this stuff happens. I am working on it and myself and hope that my dreams will come true and that I can be eternity happy. Ultimately that is all I want to be happy.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Nothing much going on here

This weekend up north beautiful sunset.
We had fun our friend Scotty and Alita's wedding.

We danced the night away and played with the two beautiful twin flower girls Allison and Madison. They had a ball. Not much news on the adoption at this point still have our fingers crossed and hope all are praying with us that our dreams to become parents come true.

Monday, July 6, 2009

I got to see Haley Marie

So I got to go over my friends house and see there new baby girl yesterday. Which was funny because her due date was yesterday. She is really cute and she was really good when I was there. I practically held her the whole time we were there. Se only cried once and that was when she wanted her diaper changed. They look happy to have her but tired. I think she keeps them on there toes. But all in all I am happy for them.
Nothing going on with the adoption yet still praying and waiting for that day to come when it is finally my turn. But I know when that day comes all this waiting will feel well worth it to have a child.

Thursday, July 2, 2009


Congratulations goes out to our friends who had a baby Girl on Tuesday June 30. Hailey Marie who is 8 lbs and if I remember correctly 21 inches. Just wanted to congratulate them. She came early. Her due date was July 5th but lucky for them she came early. Have not seen the baby yet but called and when they are up to it they will have us over.
Nothing new with the adoption just still awaiting that day for that very important call. :)

Monday, June 29, 2009

What I have decided

I have decided to keep this blog and to only discuss things I don't mind everyone knowing. I would still like to share somethings but not everything If I don't want some people to know and I will keep that to myself. Not much going on with the adoption. It is just a waiting game as all who are doing the adoption with me know it can take months or years. We unfortunately have no magic ball to tell us when it is our turn. This blog and I feel for others who are going through this same thing with adoption blog to share there feelings and events with others who know what they are going through. I didn't shut down this blog after thinking about it because I think this blog can also help others that are just starting the process or are going through some infertility to show that it is okay and that they are not the only ones. I have a friend (no names because personal) that is going through her own turmoil with infertility. It is not an easy thing. I think being able to see my blog and see others I follow helps her see that she is not alone and that others have gone through so much more that she hasn't even begun to go through. I try to be a good friend and support her even though it sometimes gets hard because what she does seems to reflect on me because everyone knows my situation and not hers. I can honestly say that I will be perfectly okay if I was never pregnant. Now that is not to say that I will be okay without a child because that would be a down right lie. All I want is a family and a child to bring joy and happiness into our lives but I don't care one bit if I never experienced pregnancy. It seems a lot harder on my friend because she does so badly want to experience that. I think most of my friends beside her don't know how to talk to me or feel even funny being around me knowing my circumstance which I think they shouldn't. I feel if anything my friend has more issues with the situations and feeling uncomfortable then myself but I of course unfortunately feel I take the brunt of all that. I feel like I have even lost some friends or friendships I once had because of the situation which is unfortunate. I only say that because the same people I use to see or hang out with all the time stop calling me or asking us to do stuff. Now you would say that maybe they were busy or something else but the truth is that I would hear that they hang out with others besides ourselves unless in big groups where we all come together. I wish things can be the way they use to but you know how that goes and I am not one to speak about or tell about others situations or words because I feel eventually that all works out it hasn't yet but I hope in time. I guess I just needed to wright this to get somethings off my chest. I of course didn't explode with all the emotions that I am feeling or thinking but I think I got my point and feelings across. I think people can understand how I am feeling and I know I bounced around whether to say any of this or not. I can't stand drama and issues and I feel like they are coming into my life unwanted. I am just this year starting to piece back the puzzles in my life after falling apart with my dad then the invetro and now the adoption. I feel this way we only have one life and we don't know if it can be over tomorrow, a week, a month or 50 years we just have to enjoy it while it is here and grab life and go with it. Do each day as if it was your last day and smile, laugh play, remember what it was like to be a child and not have pressure or worry and try to bring that feeling to everyday. Now I know that it is easier said then done trust me we regardless are going to have our ups and downs and we have to make more ups and more smile then downs. We have to be grateful for what we have and the people we have now not who we can't or don't have and stay happy. How you are and what you do seems to rub off on other people. I just had to say my peace because this is where I am in my life at this moment. I don't care what people think or have to say about me anymore. I don't care if they look at me weird anyone that needs to do that must not be happy with themselves and I am. I have learned that you have to love yourself before you can love others. I had so much hate after all that is happen I felt like I hated everyone for a while. I know that sounds harsh but it is true. I learned that once you can look in the mirror and love yourself you can bring others into your life with love. That is all I have to stay and hope that some people take that with them.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Good luck and hope for the best

I know on our blogs we talk about adoption and infertility but I just wanted to say good luck to Tim and I's good friend Mark and Tricia. They are having there baby due on July 5 but you know they can be due any time. I wish them the best it is there first baby and I know Tricia is nervous because of the unknown. Lucky for them they never had to experience infertility but I still wanted to say good luck and hope all goes well for them.
No I don't have an update on the blog situation but I am working on it and hope to get an answer by tonight.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day!

I just wanted to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day in Heaven. I miss you dad. This week is suppose to be a hard week but I am going to try to make it happy. Today is Father's Day so of course I think of my dad who I don't have. I also think of my husband Tim. I was trying to make today a happy day by keeping myself busy all day. it is 7:43 pm and I finally slowed down. I cleaned the house today and cut the grass then groceries and then went to Blockbuster on the way home to rent a happy go luck movie "Yes Man". It was good. It is not the greatest movie ever or anything but it put a smile on my face when I watched it with Tim and that is all I was asking for. Now getting to my issue with Tim I get home and we go to watch the movie and she said he was a little down today. I never hear him say that. I think that is because he is always trying to be strong for me but he saw I was happy go lucky so I think he thought I could handle what he was going to tell me. He says I was kind of down today. I was like down (in my mind) when is he ever down it is always me and never him and now I am doing good and he isn't?. Then he said I had 3 people in different stores on line say Happy Father's Day to me and he said "I am unfortunately not a father" and I can tell it bothered him. He then asked me if I thought he would ever be a father and told him of course. Then I can tell he knew I was concerned so he said lets watch the movie then he hugged me and held me in his arms. I felt really bad. I never knew it effected him that much. I know he doesn't like to talk about it with me or anyone he always says everything is fine and this time he actually admitted it. I think he was doing the same thing I was and trying to keep busy but for a different reason then me. Right now he decided to go golfing with one of his childhood friends Jimmy I think so he wouldn't think about stuff. This week is also hard because on Tuesday June 23 is 2 years since my dad has passed. I contemplated whether I should stay home from work or not because I didn't know how I would feel but then I decided what am I going to do at home dwell. I know dad you wouldn't want me to do that so I am going to keep myself really busy that day as to not remember that day which turned out to be the worst day of my life I want it to be more happy. So I told Tim today that we are going to get a call on Tuesday with some good news. I don't know what the news is but that if we believe that 100% with out doubt then it will come true. So I told him to believe that this is going to happen and we are going to have something to look forward to rather then not. I heard about this one book "The Secret" and there is movie for it too that tells you how to be positive and if you believe it and see it in your bind with out any negative thoughts it would come true I figured what do I have to loose so I am thinking that way about Tuesday some good is going to come out of that day.
As for this blog I think I should and hope to have answer to what I am going to do tomorrow but I wanted to share this and I didn't get a chance to do anything yet. Hope all is well with all of you and no, there is not news or anything going on with the adoption. Hopefully I will get my happy ending on Tuesday when I am thinking my thoughts and trying to see it come true. Till then talk to you all soon.