Monday, June 29, 2009
What I have decided
I have decided to keep this blog and to only discuss things I don't mind everyone knowing. I would still like to share somethings but not everything If I don't want some people to know and I will keep that to myself. Not much going on with the adoption. It is just a waiting game as all who are doing the adoption with me know it can take months or years. We unfortunately have no magic ball to tell us when it is our turn. This blog and I feel for others who are going through this same thing with adoption blog to share there feelings and events with others who know what they are going through. I didn't shut down this blog after thinking about it because I think this blog can also help others that are just starting the process or are going through some infertility to show that it is okay and that they are not the only ones. I have a friend (no names because personal) that is going through her own turmoil with infertility. It is not an easy thing. I think being able to see my blog and see others I follow helps her see that she is not alone and that others have gone through so much more that she hasn't even begun to go through. I try to be a good friend and support her even though it sometimes gets hard because what she does seems to reflect on me because everyone knows my situation and not hers. I can honestly say that I will be perfectly okay if I was never pregnant. Now that is not to say that I will be okay without a child because that would be a down right lie. All I want is a family and a child to bring joy and happiness into our lives but I don't care one bit if I never experienced pregnancy. It seems a lot harder on my friend because she does so badly want to experience that. I think most of my friends beside her don't know how to talk to me or feel even funny being around me knowing my circumstance which I think they shouldn't. I feel if anything my friend has more issues with the situations and feeling uncomfortable then myself but I of course unfortunately feel I take the brunt of all that. I feel like I have even lost some friends or friendships I once had because of the situation which is unfortunate. I only say that because the same people I use to see or hang out with all the time stop calling me or asking us to do stuff. Now you would say that maybe they were busy or something else but the truth is that I would hear that they hang out with others besides ourselves unless in big groups where we all come together. I wish things can be the way they use to but you know how that goes and I am not one to speak about or tell about others situations or words because I feel eventually that all works out it hasn't yet but I hope in time. I guess I just needed to wright this to get somethings off my chest. I of course didn't explode with all the emotions that I am feeling or thinking but I think I got my point and feelings across. I think people can understand how I am feeling and I know I bounced around whether to say any of this or not. I can't stand drama and issues and I feel like they are coming into my life unwanted. I am just this year starting to piece back the puzzles in my life after falling apart with my dad then the invetro and now the adoption. I feel this way we only have one life and we don't know if it can be over tomorrow, a week, a month or 50 years we just have to enjoy it while it is here and grab life and go with it. Do each day as if it was your last day and smile, laugh play, remember what it was like to be a child and not have pressure or worry and try to bring that feeling to everyday. Now I know that it is easier said then done trust me we regardless are going to have our ups and downs and we have to make more ups and more smile then downs. We have to be grateful for what we have and the people we have now not who we can't or don't have and stay happy. How you are and what you do seems to rub off on other people. I just had to say my peace because this is where I am in my life at this moment. I don't care what people think or have to say about me anymore. I don't care if they look at me weird anyone that needs to do that must not be happy with themselves and I am. I have learned that you have to love yourself before you can love others. I had so much hate after all that is happen I felt like I hated everyone for a while. I know that sounds harsh but it is true. I learned that once you can look in the mirror and love yourself you can bring others into your life with love. That is all I have to stay and hope that some people take that with them.