At a stand still

Well not much going on over here. I e-mailed my social worker to find out what ever happened with those two women who came in 3 weeks ago and that were interested in adopting. She wrote me back yesterday to say that one they had not heard back from and the other she said was having a lot of morning sickness and said she would think about things and maybe get back to them later in the pregnancy. So that good new that I thought would come about and share it is now like I am back to square one with no leads of possibilities. It is kind of discouraging and disappointing because even if those moms did follow through with the adoption and choose someone else I would feel like we at least had a chance and were that much closer. :( What can you do though but hope and pray that we can have our dream to become parents soon. We posted all those fliers like 2 months ago and I have not received one e-mail from anyone. I posted them in 4 colleges. I thought there would be maybe one person that would call or even check the blog just to see who I was or anything and I have not heard a thing. My mother in law this past week has brought up surrogacy and I am trying to explain that it is expensive not to mention I would have to do the in vetro all over again which was a night mare. On top of all that you hear those hora stories. I am trying to be patient but patients gets worn thin after a while. I am young and would never have imagined that I would be going through all these issues at such a young age. I know it is not my fault as people tell me but I always think what did I eat when I was younger that could have caused this issue or what could I have done. Did I do anything were I fell hard. All these I guess silly questions go through my mind of what could I have done better or am I that bad of a human being. There are people like Nadia Suleman that has 14 children and she doesn't even give them the love and attention they deserve she flaunts them to the camera like a circus and it makes me think why would god give a women that is so unstable and unable to take care of her children 14 children when all I am asking for is 1 and I would love them to death. It makes me sad and how selfish people are. Don't get me wrong every child is a blessing but 14 children and she tried after her 6th to have more. Those eggs could have been donated to someone who had trouble getting pregnant or she could have had the babies and thought of adoption. I was at the grocery store today and this women came in she had 5 children all under the age that I would say 7. I was going down the isle and I saw this child's hat on the floor so I picked it up and put it by my purse until I found someone who worked there in one of the isles as I approached the next isle I saw this mom yelling and screaming and embarrassing this child that was maybe 4 or 5 about her hat and where did she put it and why does she do this to her and that the child drives her crazy and better find the hat or else. As I was hearing this I was coming up to the little girl to give her the hat and the mom said where did you find that hat and I explained the isle over and she grabbed her child by the hand to bring her over there as she left her oldest child that couldn't have been over the age of 7 to watch the other 2 little kids and one infant. She never said thank you and I couldn't believe my eyes. I never saw her physically harm her but the verbal abuse to me was enough. When I got in line shore enough she was 2 carts in front of me still yelling at her kids as she is trying to pay in food stamps while she had clothes for herself in the wagon with maybe 10 things of groceries and they kids I thought were not clean. Come on where is the fairness of that. That is probably why I wrote on my blog today out of frustration. I was just looking at those kids like I wish I could help I wish I could show those kids what a real mom is. Now I know I am not this mom and I don't know her circumstance but 5 kids that are dirty and you leave a young child to watch all the other kids while you show a 5 or 6 year old where she left her hat. That to me was just unbelievable. How fair is that, although I know life isn't fair and that was not the smartest statement. Thank you for lsitening to me vent a bit. I try to be postitive but some days are harder then others and I think today my emotions were pushed over the edge. Thanks for listenign though.

Easter

I don't know why that is but it is hard on the holidays. I was missing my dad on Easter and all I kept thinking was if I had a baby I would be dressing them up in cute close and going to church together and going to grandma's. It was hard. I have been doing okay with my ambition that my day will come where I will have a baby but yesterday I just crumbled. I just felt like it was never going to happen. I know it will but I just felt defeated. I go to work everyone asking how my Easter was and we went to my in-laws house but it just felt like any other day and I felt that void in my heart and a little bit of anger about my infertility. I really haven't had anger over infertility I just always said it is what it is and I really didn't want to go through the infertility my husband did and I wantedto adopt. I knew he wouldn't go into adoption whole heatedly without us trying infertility so I did it and now I feel like I am paying for it. My body has not been the same and it has just been ruff. I told my husband it is horrible. I am young and I already feel like I am falling apart. I just need to refuel my batteries and get back on my positive track. Just some days I vear off course but I will try to turn it around.

Some Good Info

I have some good news to people waiting to adopt. Thanks to my blogging bud Savanna from countless tomorrows posted it for me when I gave the news to her. I just found this out the beginning of last week that there is a website http://www.parentgallery.com/ that is a new website that you can post your adoption profiles for free. Yes I said for FREE. I was busy with work and everything going on that I didn't get a chance to blog about this and when I check my blog I usually just check to see if anyone left me any information. I came across countless tomorrows new blog and I responded to let them know about this free website I stumbled on to. I didn't have a chance to put my profile on it yet but on countless tomorrows (blog site) stated they tried and state it was easy with no problem. I was planning on getting on this weekend now that I have more time. I just wanted to share the information with everyone and hope that this helps.

Also I have some what of good news. So we are doing our adoption with Catholic Social Services in Michigan. Well they have patients that come in on a case to case basis. They counsel the women and help women that are pregnant. They first see if they can set a plan for the women to keep the child and if the mom states she can not have means to keep the child then they start going through the adoption process. Well the agency said they have been slow the last 2 years and how last year they only have 3 children adopted. They only do adoption in the surrounding area of the agency is why the numbers are lower but it is local. They said that the baby's have not been coming in till the end of summer which I thought was weird. But sorry my point and getting to the good news we already had one mom come in and give her child up for adoption last month and she choose someone that already had a child because she wanted her child to have a sibling. Then I was just told yesterday that 2 more people came in for possible adoption and they are in there 2 and 3rd month. The one is young and is not sure but is being counseled and it sounds like she is leaning toward adoption and the anther women is married and is getting serious about adoption I was told. That makes me feel good because we have more chances and the women are coming in earlier in the year then years past. We are 1 of 6 people who are first time parents waiting then there are 5 others that are 2nd time parents. Which it is unfortunate that I was told usually when the mom looks at our profiles they choose the first time parents first. Although the women last month did choose someone that already had a child. Well that makes me feel good about the odds it makes me feel bad for the 2nd time parents because how long they have been waiting too. But at the same time I have never had my chance to have a baby and they have at least experienced that. I always told Tim (my husband) that I wanted 2 children a boy and a girl but now after all that we have been through if I only had one I would be on top of the moon regardless if I can only have one and regardless of the sex of the baby. Yes they would probably be spoiled rotten if they were the only child because on top of being the only child they would be the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Which would be exciting. The other issue is my social worker also told everyone to be ready for meeting the expecting mom and to be ready for the questions they ask which is nerve racking. You want to answer them honestly but at the same time you want them to like you from meeting the first time which is a lot of pressure. My other issue is I need to complete my scrap book. My social worker told me we all need a scrap book of Tim and myselves life together. I started this scrap book in the summer when we started the adoption and still never completed it. It was 20 pages and I have 5 more pages left that now I am also going to have to try to complete this weekend as well. I am doing the scrap book by hand and this is the first one but I always loved doing artsy stuff so I take a long time on it. Well have have pages of Tim and I as baby's and pictures of then and now with our siblings, I have a picture of our friend and called it our circle of friend. I also I have a picture of our families and named it family ties and tied the pictures and letter together. It is really cute and those pages were easy but the ones that are taking me so much time are the pictures of Tim and I together. Last night I completed or wedding pages but that took close to 4 hours to do. I feel like those pages with us on it are the hardest. I want them too look and show our love but I don't want it to be to over the top or sappy. I am trying to make it interesting. I have a page of just us at the base ball game that is cute but the ones were we are loving with hugs and posing are kind of hard so wish me luck this weekend. Well I have to go so I can get started on the scrap book but I will keep you posted on what happens and if we have an interview or not. Thanks for the thought and the prayers.

waiting for a baby

I am trying to be so patient through this whole adoption. We have done everything we needed to do and now we just have to wait. That is hard to do and that is the hardest part. It feels like when we went through in-vetro and you had to wait the 2 weeks to see if the eggs took to find out if you were pregnant or not. Those two weeks felt like the longest two weeks of my life. That is what I would compare this too but we don't have a time frame which makes it even harder. Ever day just waiting and hoping that our social worker will call and say your baby is here. I can't think of what else I can do to spread the word. We put up fliers in 3 colleges and I have gone to OBGYN offices and they look at you like you are crazy and they say the patient and the hospital figures that stuff out they tell me. I called the hospitals to see what there process is when someone comes in and says they didn't know they were pregnant or they get to the hospital and say they don't want a baby or even if they drop the baby off at the hospital like I have reed about, but the hospitals already have a process they go through. They work with a social worker and if the mom doesn't want the baby they have adoption agencies they already work with. I have contacted our social worker to see what more we can do and she says we have done everything we can. She said her agency is also contacted by a few hospitals but I hear the hospital calls a few agencies and who ever gets there first the agency gets the child. I hope this doesn't sound crazy but I want a baby so bad. I keep hearing from people that I haven't even been in this adoption for even a year yet but what I feel like they don't understand is that I have been trying and waiting to have a baby for years. I started this adoption in July and yes that would make me somewhat new to adoption but I am willing to try anything to hold a baby in my arms. I just can't wait to have a child and consider us a family instead of a couple. Thank you for listening and just letting me vent. I had something funny to add. So I see cute baby stuff at the store and I will pick it up. Now it is not like I have a whole closet or anything but I have like 8 to 10 things from me or my mother in-law will give to me. Well the other day my husband Tim came in the house and told me to close my eyes and he put (of course a boy) baby outfit in front of me that he picked up at the store. He told me between my mother in-law and I picking up stuff, he said he figured he would pick up something and maybe he would be the good luck charm. I thought that was so cute and sweet of him. He said my mother in-law and and were not bringing the luck and now he is. I just wanted to share that because I thought it was thoughtful and nice. Well thanks again for reading

Our begining together with lifes up and downs now adoption

I met Tim actually online when I was 18 and he was 21 back in 2000. We met in person about 3 months later. I can honestly say it was love at first site. When I put him on the plane to say good by because we lived in two different states I couldn't stop crying. In fact I told my mom when I got home that was the guy I was going to marry. My parents both liked him but I can tell my mom just thought it was puppy love. Tim and I would visit each other every month. I would go see him for about 4 days one month then he would come down and see me the next. I feel head over heels for him and I knew he did to (because he called me 6-7 times a day). We talked constantly. I went to Thanksgiving at his house that year and then I went back to visit him the day after Christmas. To my surprise as I was in the air on the plane he was calling my dad to ask for my hand in marriage. When I saw him of course it was butterflies and excitement again. When we got back to his parents house everyone was acting a little funny now that I look back but at the time I didn't think anything of it. I was a figure skater when I was younger and a coach to figure skaters. I am telling you this because I loved the ice. It was my place. Tim of course knew that. So after we opened up all our presents he kept pushing for us to go ice skating on his family's pound which I thought was the coolest thing. We went out there and he pretended to play hockey. He kept falling and asking me to help him but all I said is I am going to score at your goal and win and it wasn't my fault your on the ground. I kept scoring goals and I can tell he is getting upset. Of course I thought he was being a poor sport when actually he was trying to fall so he could be on one knee to ask me to marry him. I of course not picking that up keep on scoring goals till finally he knocked in to me and it was pretty hard so I would be on the floor and I just was lying on my belly stunned but not hurt. He takes a lap around the ice then slides on his belly toward me and has this box. We are now face to face on the ice on our belly's and of course I am still not getting it. I asked why he had to be so ruff. He starts telling me that he loves me infinity and beyond and more than life itself and how he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. He started to tell me the story of our first time together and how it was love at first site. He then asked me "Susan will you spend the rest of your life me, I love you and would love it if you would be my wife". He then opens the box and grabs my hand as I am now shacking and says will you marry me and puts the ring on. I was so excited and happy and over joyed. We get up and he is holding me in his arms spinning me around on the ice. I was so happy. Mean while his whole family is in there bathroom where they can see us video taping us. The funniest part my mother in law taped me as I was walking in the house and she says lets see it and in the tape this is the funniest part. She says lets see it my daughter in law to be and then the tape says "you have it on the wrong hand". Oops. I was so excited I didn't know. We were engaged 7 months after meeting. We did have a long engagement. We were engaged for almost 4 years. We were married in 2004. We were not in any rush. A lot went on in that Tim. I moved to Michigan to live with Tim after we where engaged. I moved in June. In the mean time we built a house together which was tough and I was in the nursing program. (my ups)


(downs) Well then my dad got sick. We found out he had cancer and it was in the 4th stage. Then my life changed and felt like it was crashing down on me. It is weird how things work. I felt like I was on top of the world and the happiest I could ever be in my life. I had a great family, Tim's family was great, I had Tim which is my best friend and the love of my life, I was in the nursing program, I was building a house and planning on getting married the next year. Then I am on the way to a class in the nursing program and I never made it there when my mom called to tell me that my dad had cancer. I was crushed and devastated. My dad was not only my dad he was my best friend, my biggest supporter, the rock I would lean on, and someone I really looked up to. He was one of a kind. All my friends loved him and would tell me I have the coolest dad ever and I knew that. They would tell me how lucky I was. Well that day I found out was devastating. I came home and Tim's mom was their to support me and give me love before Tim came home from work to be there for me. I was in the nursing program and I told them I needed to go see my dad and visit him at least for a week. Well it was in between finals and the week after finals another semester started. So they told me I had to take my test or I would be kicked out of the program or be left back to next year. I was very emotional so I didn't say the nicest of things but basically I told them my family comes first and to shove it. That was not a day I was proud of I was leaving the next day to see my dad and they were just giving me worse news and I was so emotional. I left to see my dad being out of the nursing program and leaving Tim with an unfinished house that we were building. We then got worse news when I go there that my dad had cancer in the 4th stage and they can try to do chemo but they gave him 5 years. I hurt more than anything.When I came back our house was almost completed and I missed that and I had to figure out what I was going to do for the rest of my life.


(ups) I decided to go back to school to learn billing and coding. I got my associates degree and got a job at St. John Hospital as a biller. I got married to Tim and luckily I was lucky enough for my dad to walk me down the aisle. It was the happiest day of my life. I had all my family there. We had 150 people and it was beautiful church and a small hall that was just for us so the guest can come and go. I had the best time. We had a desert room, ice sculpture and we danced the night way.
We then talked about children. We were starting to try about a year after we were married. I wanted my dad to meet my children and we could not wait to have a family. We started in 2005. We tried for 8 months then I saw my OB. He did an ultrasound and didn't see anything then did a test on sperm and everything normal.

(downs)He then said to go to a fertility specialist because it was then a year. I went to the fertility doctor and wow there was a lot of tests. Test after test after test. It was an emotional roller coaster. It was up and down. The frustrating part was they couldn't find anything wrong. We didn't have a miscarriage or anything which I am sure is devastating but I felt like I might ever carry a baby at all. I am deathly afraid of needles and doctor said we have done all we can do. Between the Laporscopy, the million ultrasound, blood work, clomid, all the other drugs, artificial insemination's, and hystosonagraphy, and all the other millions of test that took. It has now been 1 year and a half that I have been seen with her and and 2 and half year of trying and she said all we had left to try is in-vetro. I didn't want to make that decision so I decided to take a break go on vacation and try on our own.
(downs) In the meantime with all this infertility stuff I know some of you are going to say well you were stressed and that is why it isn't working but in the beginning of all this when we first started trying we were not stressed at all but here is were the stress really came in. My dad was getting worse and they sold there house because they couldn't afford the house just on my moms income and they were suppose to move to Florida but my dad took a turn for the worst and ended up in the hospital 2 weeks before they were to move out. We found the cancer spread to his brain and it was a tumor which cause him to have seizures. With my parents and brother with no place live and someone needed to take care of my dad Tim and I flew to help move pack up there stuff and move them down to Michigan to live with us. It was hard. We lived with them for 1 year at our house. Tim, my mom, my brother, my sick dad and me. At that time I am 25 years old and have not lived with my family for 6 years. I was also hiding my infertility from people. My family, Tim's family and friend because I didn't want to hear are you pregnant, did it work and all that. It is hard to hide that from family when they are not living with you let alone when they lived with you. My dad's seizures got worse and he was deteriorating right in front of us with nothing I can do. I felt hopeless. The day before my dad past with out me knowing that was the last I would talk to him. I went in his room (in my house) by my self and got him caught up on my life. I told him how work was going and how we were all doing and what was going on. I told him how much I loved him and how I wouldn't be selfish because I didn't want to see him suffer any more with the pain he was in. He couldn't look at you unless you stepped in front of him, he couldn't talk you didn't know if he could hear you, and when you asked him to squeeze your hand he couldn't even do that. But that day the 2 hours of just sitting by his bed he has been bound to for all of 3 month he couldn't get our of it at all I caught him up with life. But the most important thing I told him of all and he was the first to hear was that we were trying to have a baby and that we have been trying for sometime and the doctor wants to continue testing and I am think of adopting but told him he was the first to know that we have been trying. He had a tear come down his cheek and he squeezed my hand for the first time in a long time. I know that took a lot for him to do but he did it and I know he did it for me to make me feel his love even though I always knew it was there. The next day we went in his room and he was still breathing and I was so grateful. The nurse came over to give him his bath and told us he had up to a week left which was better than the other lady that told us he had a day or too. We were kind of excited because we had more time with him which was kind of selfish but we felt bad because he was suffering.Within 5 minutes of that nurse leaving he passed with my mom and myself in the room. I just felt numb and like I wasn't in my body like I was outside of my body and my body was just going through the motions. My mom is yelling at me to do CPR but that was not what my dad wanted and he wouldn't make it he was in hospice. I screamed for my Tim and it was only when Tim came and confirmed it for my mom and myself that he was gone was that I really just start to cry historically. It is hard to think I will never see him again and he will never meet my kids and I am only 25 years old and he was only 48 years old. by brother and mom moved to Florida as planned 3 months later but it is still a struggle some days up some down when I walk around my house and have memories of him in happy time and the day of his passing all at once in my house.
(ups and downs)This is where we went on our vacation on a cruise to get away from it all to reflect on my dad and decide if in vetro was for us. I was emotional still and always about my dad but very focused more then ever to have a family. We were split down the middle as I said before I hate needles. My husband wanted to try the in-vetro and I wanted to do adoption. I was all for adoption. I also hated when people would say to me if you go through with adoption and get pregnant what are you going to do. I always say nothing. There both my kids and will love them both the same and I would actually be a little more overprotected of the child that is adopted because I don't want them to ever feel that way. I want them to know our loved and that no one Else will treat them any different either because there not as I tell people. Just because they were not in my belly doesn't mean that I love them any different I gave birth through the heart.
Well I told my husband we will try the in-vetro. We tryed and it didn't work and it was very emotional. I also tryed the frozen eggs they had and that didn't work either. That was a very devastating time and when I started in-vetro everyone knew about the problems we had getting pregnant and they knew we went through in-vetro. I was devastating. You get depressed and upset and I never thought it would be so tough. I felt like the only person in the world going through this and everyone just kept saying it would happen it would happen.

(ups) Well in my old fashion style I picked my self back up and brushed my self off and told Tim what do you think of my idea I had about adoption and he was all for it. I was so excited. In the mean time everyone kept asking if I was pregnant and the doctors found nothing wrong but I just didn't get pregnant and I just wanted to put it all behind me and move forward. I looked at all there websites of children waiting to be adopted and it was so sad. I love kids and can't wait to have some. Everyone still thinks I will get pregnant and that it is just stress but My dad past in 2007 which is not easy but I don't feel the stress I felt at that time, the in-vetro was stressful but that was last year and now I am looking forward and trying not to look back. That is the only way to keep smiling and not get upset or depressed. I want to give all of myself to that child when they come into our lives. It is not fair to them to come into our lives with our baggage. I can't wait till that day come. So yes we have been through high up and very low downs but we are still standing and taller then ever before. We want to adopt more then anything in the entire world. That day when I get to hold that little one will be one of the happiest days of my life but until then we are waiting for that little one to grow big and healthy in there birth moms belly. I can't wait for bake sales, and field trips, school parties and there first day of school, graduation and holding that little one for the first time my ultimate joy. Until then we are waiting for you little one.

Trying to spread the word

I have been trying to pass the word that we are looking to adopt. We were trying figure out what avenues to go down. One by my agency was to blog another is to put flyer's or business card up at colleges. Well I made flyer's and posted them all over the colleges to spread the word. I am not going to lie it was hard to figure out how to make a fly er to let people know that we care and want more than anything in the world to adopt a child but also not make is like we are adopting a puppy. I want people who saw the fly er to know that we were a serious couple. Besides the college I also posted it at the hospitals usually by the cafeteria there is a board. I posted it also in a few high volume supermarkets. But I only did this on one side of town which took me a few hours so this weekend I am going to try to post it in town on the other side of town. All I can say is I am trying to do the best that I can to spread the word. It is hard to just sit back and wait. I also got some what of good news from my agency. They told me that had there first mom of the year walk in last Friday and that she showed her our profile and that she liked it but she did want to choose someone that already had a child. So yes we were not chosen (bummer) but it made me feel some much hope and excitement that at least a birth mom saw us. It gives me this happy hope that we will be chosen soon too. You just have to keep the faith. Well I will tell you what happens or where I went after this weekend. Thanks for visiting.

Lazy Days

I am working from home today and I am so lazy. I just don't feel like doing anything today. I did my work but then I just wanted to sleep I am not sure why. Well I don't have much to write about about the adoption because we are just waiting. Everyday is another day we pray we get that call that we will be parents to a child which is exciting and what keeps us going right now. So we are just waiting and hoping. I will tell you when something changes.