Got through the weekend

I had a baby shower this weekend for one of our friends. Well everyone knows my circumstances so as we had to watch our friends be in baby bliss opening gifts and my table all watching my reaction to her opening gifts. That was hard but I put a big smile on my face and acted as I was so excited. You would think that if everyone knew my circumstance they would not make it so obvious to look at me and make me feel so uncomfortable in a situation were I was already walking in uncomfortable. They kept asking about my adoption. What am I suppose to say. I feel like they just asked me just to ask because they don't know what to say. But obviously nothing is going on with adoption or everyone would know. It was a little weird I have to admit. The first time I had to go to a baby shower nobody knew my circumstances but my mother in law and so it made it easy because no eyes were on me. Then we had a baby shower for 3 people at work and the office was looking at me and the mother's it felt like they felt uncomfortable to be excited of there gifts in front of me because that was just after I found out the invetro didn't take. I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. But this shower was a close friend to all of us so it made it feel even more uncomfortable of course I knew more people and they knew my situation which of course made it harder. What was I suppose to do. I am just happy I got through it. I am just not to be mean but honest I am sick of going to baby showers. I know I keep telling myself one day it will be me but they just feel harder and harder to go to and this last one felt the hardest. When you are trying to sit back and be as calm and normal as possible when you feel envious and when is it my turn, and why and then you have everyone looking at you it makes it that much harder to be normal and comfortable.These friends who had the baby shower are the friends that had a baby the first month they tried. The situation was this. I let everyone know last June and July that we had problems and did the in vetro and it didn't work and that we were going to adopt. I can tell that a lot of people thought I was just jumping into adoption but they didn't understand because they didn't know when we started trying and they didn't know we were struggling to get pregnant. All they knew and found out at once was that we had trouble and we were adopting. So we had people tell us to keep trying it takes time but I had to explain to them that I know this is new to you but this is really old to us. You are just finding out and we have struggled for years without you knowing it.So then my one friend said she was going to try in July and I came to her in July to tell me what happened to me. Then we started then we needed references for the adoption so we picked our friends. Well then I think the wheels started to spin for our other friend that everyone is trying to have a baby but them so then she started trying and got pregnant right away. When you talk with them you can tell they didn't expect it to happen so quick I honestly felt like they were trying because everyone else was and they didn't want to be the only ones' that don't have kids. Well now I feel like they are a little timid and scared. I can't say for them but I think they were not 100% ready for this to happen right away so I think that they are a little overwhelmed. Which in turn for me to go to the shower and watch them pick up all these things when I really want this and they sort of had it handed to them without any hesitation and they are not looking as they are really ready for this, I think that is what makes it hard. Don't get me wrong they are our friends and we are happy for them but that feeling I am trying to describe without making others think I am a mean person is there. I don't know how else to explain it without it sounding mean. They are also the friends that I never hear them talk really about the baby I hear them talking about what she has been through and sometimes it is like I don't need an educational session on what pregnancy is about or what you went through I want to hear stuff like you can't wait to touch and meet this baby. I can't wait till that day comes. We are already attached and can't wait to show this baby all the love in the world. That is the kind of stuff I want to hear about. That you appreciate that you got pregnant and that you are blessed with this baby. Not about woe's me what I went through. And pregnancy was tough and I am gaining weight and all the negatives. I don't want to hear those things I wasn't to hear positive and appreciation that this happened. I think that is what makes it hard because I would take it so much differently. I don't care if I vomited everyday during pregnancy, I would enjoy every minute that I was pregnant and I would think about that baby every day. I feel like people who go through infertility become different parents because they would appreciate that child so much because they have wanted that child for so long. I talk to other friends that have kids and they are always complaining about there kids. They are excited there kids are with there dad for the weekend, they say my kids are driving me crazy and nothing is the same anymore. They say so many negative things about there kids when all I want in the entire world is a family and a child to love. When they say these things I don;t think they know how it affects Tim and I when we hear them we always look at each other and know what we are thinking. I told one dad this weekend you can give us your child and he laughed and say take her. I just shack my head. I know he was kidding about it but they don't know what they have. I am sorry if this offends anyone but I am honestly speaking straight from the heart today without any hesitation and I can see how some people who may not be going through this situation and may feel offended but all I ask is that you appreciate what you have everyday and tell them that you love them always so that they know and never have to guess at your love for them. Those people who haven't gone through this it is hard to understand the feelings without you going through it yourself. One of my friends are having trouble being pregnant and is now knowing what it feels like and understands where I am coming from when she said she never understood before until now. Thank you for letting me talk and for you to listen and hopefully not be mad at what I had expressed. Thank you!

A better day!

I usually only post once a week because I am usually so busy and sometimes don't have much going on but I couldn't leave my blog after yesterday on a sour note. I don't like expressing my negative feelings to everyone although I am sure you all understand why I was sad. I just didn't need to be blogging yesterday. On a better note, I am feeling a ton better. I am in high spirits today which is great and another thing that is great but not for my job is the computers crashed at around 9:30 am this morning and they told us we had the option to go home. Well I worked till 11:30 to try to do all I can do without the computer which that is basically my whole job for medical billing so I left at 11:30 and came home to post on my blog now at 12:30. It is a nice sunny day here in Michigan. It is about 70 degrees. So pretty nice especially for Michigan and in May. So after I post this I think I am going to sit outside and read a book and just enjoy the rest of the day. Tim was really sweet yesterday so when he came home from work he took me out to dinner and bought an ice cream cake and wrote on it happy birthday dad. I thought that was sweet, it made me cry of course but it was really sweet. So I am doing excellent today and looking forward to getting out in the sun and enjoying. Just wanted to end on a positive note or it would have bothered me all weekend and I just want to be care free this weekend. Also thanks for those for the warm thoughts yesterday. Greatly appreciated.

Happy Birthday Dad

Today was a ruff day. It is my dad's or would have been my dad's 50th Birthday. I miss my dad so much and today was just a ruff day. I just wanted to tell my dad I was thinking of him. Nothing really going on with adoption. Things have remained the same no call yet. Don't have much to do. I have done everything I can think of to spread the word. I guess I just have to wait. My problem is I am a go getter and a fighter. I never give up and I feel a bit defeated and I might feel a little more defeated today b/c I am more sensitive because today is my dad's birthday. Sorry I am a little down but I promise next time I will turn this around on a better day.

Busy week with work and all

I try to post every week. I don't know how people post every day. I guess I don't have that interesting of a life. I pretty much work, come home clean call anyone I need to catch up with and do other things that need to be done around our house but for the most part work. I try to explain to Tim that I tell my work yes all the time to stay after and to do extra time because when the time comes for us that we have a baby I will not be picking up on extra hours at work and not only that but I want them to approve my work schedule I would like to change. Right now my regular hours at work are Tuesday thru Friday 10 hour work days. That is what I am scheduled I go to work at 5:45 am to start and am suppose to leave at about 4 pm. Well those hours don't happen at all. This last week I was putting in 11 to 13 hours a day and I had to work from home on Monday. It has been crazily busy. I am a medical biller for St John Hospital and Medical centers. We have like 50 people in our department. Our company has about 60 or more offices and the office's have 1 to 11 doctors in that one office that we bill for. So yeah we are out numbered. Not only that but every month we tend to miss people from medical leaves any where from 6 weeks to 3 months which can back log us and we have had a lot of pregnant women at work (which of course I am happy for them but envious at the same time) that go on maternity or bed rest from the pregnancy so then it us to people to pick up the slack. Well you can guess why I am chosen. I have no kids to drop of or pick up from school and no babysitter so of course Susan is the obvious choice. In our department of about 50 of us there is 4 maybe 5 of us that do not have children. I say maybe 5 because we just got a new person working for us. Well any way those other other 3 people rarely ever pick up the over time that is offered and I know my boss likes me and counts on me all the time to get work caught up and keep us as current as possible but we keep on added private offices and there is not enough of us to cover so we are quiet over whelmed. They refuse to hire more staff at this time because they say of budget. The new person that was just hired was replacing a co worker we lost. My point is when I have a baby I already talked to my boss about a schedule changed when the baby comes to let them know now to get use to the idea. I want to stay home but that is not possible for me as I would carry the insurance for the whole family. My husband has his own small business as an excavator (I say he plays in the dirt). I work for St. John's so I have insurance and it is not cost for me but it is a cost to add my husband and a child to the policy so I have to work. But if I have to work I want to be with my baby as much as I can so not to miss a moment of there first smile, first tooth, first word, first step and all the great milestones, I want to be there for all of it. I worked this hard to have a baby I don't want to miss anything if I can help it and if I am at work I talked to Tim's mom about helping me watch the baby and what schedule would be best for her. My mom lives in Florida so I pretty much only have Tim's mom to depend on and I know a lot of people are for day care centers but I first off don't want my infant in a day care center and if I had to put them in one I would like them to first be able to express by talking what they need or want so I can see how the day care is going for them. If I can help it I would like family like grandma to help but not all the time because I don't want them to feel that they always go to grandma's house, I want them to still be excited to see grandma every time they see her. So I talked to Tim's mom and she said she can watch the baby on Tuesday's and Wednesday's. I then in turn talked to my boss about working out a schedule that I would do 3 day 12 hour shifts on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday but on Thursday if I can work from home and then on Friday if I came in for 4 hours from 6-10 and Tim will watch the baby and when I came home from work at 10:30 he could then leave for work. My boss said she would talk it over with her boss and that we would work something out. It sounds promising and I think if I do all the extra hours now and show how viable I am that they should grant me those hours. Well see but the pay for time and a half for the extra hours I can't complain about either because adoption is expensive and I need every penny I can get right now. We did the in-vetro last year then went right into adoption so we need all of our pennies not just for the adoption but also after the baby gets here.I know we will probably have a baby shower after the baby gets here but diapers and formula are expensive. Today I feel like instead of being in the moment right now of work and no baby I would try to be positive by thinking of the future. It makes me smile to think about this baby. When we will have the baby and will it be a girl or a boy doesn't matter but just wondering what they will look like and what there personality would be like is all so exciting to think about. I always think about what that day will be like the moment I see the baby for the first time and to hold him/her for the first time. That is just so exciting. It at least gives me something to look forward to. To keep me going on those bad days or busy days of long hours at work I try to keep reminding my self it will be all worth it on that day. That is pretty much the only thing keeping me going and not from falling apart emotionally. I guess it is called keeping the faith that god would know I would make an excellent mother and he would not want Tim or I to be childless. I know I am very motherly and can't wait for the first day of school but I know my child will be frustrated with all the pictures I would take of there first day. I can't wait to participate for the bake sales and the Halloween and Christmas parties and even to go on there field trips as a chaperon. I also can't wait to go to there class residuals and any sports they plan to join even the day there graduate will all be so exciting. These are all things I can't wait and look forward to. Tim is a man to look up to. I know our baby will look up to him. He will guide them and show them things. He will help them to be raised with respect, integrate, and honest. I know he will make an excellent father. I know he would probably want to coach the team whether we have a son in baseball or a daughter in soccer he would be right there coaching and mentoring as I would be cheering on the side lines. I also can't wait to when they are young enough but old enough to go to Disney land and see Mickey and Minnie for the first time. These are all fun and exciting things that I can't wait to share with our kids. Of course we have to get there first. But these are all the things that I think about that keeps driving me. Thank you all for listening to my thought.

At a stand still

Well not much going on over here. I e-mailed my social worker to find out what ever happened with those two women who came in 3 weeks ago and that were interested in adopting. She wrote me back yesterday to say that one they had not heard back from and the other she said was having a lot of morning sickness and said she would think about things and maybe get back to them later in the pregnancy. So that good new that I thought would come about and share it is now like I am back to square one with no leads of possibilities. It is kind of discouraging and disappointing because even if those moms did follow through with the adoption and choose someone else I would feel like we at least had a chance and were that much closer. :( What can you do though but hope and pray that we can have our dream to become parents soon. We posted all those fliers like 2 months ago and I have not received one e-mail from anyone. I posted them in 4 colleges. I thought there would be maybe one person that would call or even check the blog just to see who I was or anything and I have not heard a thing. My mother in law this past week has brought up surrogacy and I am trying to explain that it is expensive not to mention I would have to do the in vetro all over again which was a night mare. On top of all that you hear those hora stories. I am trying to be patient but patients gets worn thin after a while. I am young and would never have imagined that I would be going through all these issues at such a young age. I know it is not my fault as people tell me but I always think what did I eat when I was younger that could have caused this issue or what could I have done. Did I do anything were I fell hard. All these I guess silly questions go through my mind of what could I have done better or am I that bad of a human being. There are people like Nadia Suleman that has 14 children and she doesn't even give them the love and attention they deserve she flaunts them to the camera like a circus and it makes me think why would god give a women that is so unstable and unable to take care of her children 14 children when all I am asking for is 1 and I would love them to death. It makes me sad and how selfish people are. Don't get me wrong every child is a blessing but 14 children and she tried after her 6th to have more. Those eggs could have been donated to someone who had trouble getting pregnant or she could have had the babies and thought of adoption. I was at the grocery store today and this women came in she had 5 children all under the age that I would say 7. I was going down the isle and I saw this child's hat on the floor so I picked it up and put it by my purse until I found someone who worked there in one of the isles as I approached the next isle I saw this mom yelling and screaming and embarrassing this child that was maybe 4 or 5 about her hat and where did she put it and why does she do this to her and that the child drives her crazy and better find the hat or else. As I was hearing this I was coming up to the little girl to give her the hat and the mom said where did you find that hat and I explained the isle over and she grabbed her child by the hand to bring her over there as she left her oldest child that couldn't have been over the age of 7 to watch the other 2 little kids and one infant. She never said thank you and I couldn't believe my eyes. I never saw her physically harm her but the verbal abuse to me was enough. When I got in line shore enough she was 2 carts in front of me still yelling at her kids as she is trying to pay in food stamps while she had clothes for herself in the wagon with maybe 10 things of groceries and they kids I thought were not clean. Come on where is the fairness of that. That is probably why I wrote on my blog today out of frustration. I was just looking at those kids like I wish I could help I wish I could show those kids what a real mom is. Now I know I am not this mom and I don't know her circumstance but 5 kids that are dirty and you leave a young child to watch all the other kids while you show a 5 or 6 year old where she left her hat. That to me was just unbelievable. How fair is that, although I know life isn't fair and that was not the smartest statement. Thank you for lsitening to me vent a bit. I try to be postitive but some days are harder then others and I think today my emotions were pushed over the edge. Thanks for listenign though.

Easter

I don't know why that is but it is hard on the holidays. I was missing my dad on Easter and all I kept thinking was if I had a baby I would be dressing them up in cute close and going to church together and going to grandma's. It was hard. I have been doing okay with my ambition that my day will come where I will have a baby but yesterday I just crumbled. I just felt like it was never going to happen. I know it will but I just felt defeated. I go to work everyone asking how my Easter was and we went to my in-laws house but it just felt like any other day and I felt that void in my heart and a little bit of anger about my infertility. I really haven't had anger over infertility I just always said it is what it is and I really didn't want to go through the infertility my husband did and I wantedto adopt. I knew he wouldn't go into adoption whole heatedly without us trying infertility so I did it and now I feel like I am paying for it. My body has not been the same and it has just been ruff. I told my husband it is horrible. I am young and I already feel like I am falling apart. I just need to refuel my batteries and get back on my positive track. Just some days I vear off course but I will try to turn it around.

Some Good Info

I have some good news to people waiting to adopt. Thanks to my blogging bud Savanna from countless tomorrows posted it for me when I gave the news to her. I just found this out the beginning of last week that there is a website http://www.parentgallery.com/ that is a new website that you can post your adoption profiles for free. Yes I said for FREE. I was busy with work and everything going on that I didn't get a chance to blog about this and when I check my blog I usually just check to see if anyone left me any information. I came across countless tomorrows new blog and I responded to let them know about this free website I stumbled on to. I didn't have a chance to put my profile on it yet but on countless tomorrows (blog site) stated they tried and state it was easy with no problem. I was planning on getting on this weekend now that I have more time. I just wanted to share the information with everyone and hope that this helps.

Also I have some what of good news. So we are doing our adoption with Catholic Social Services in Michigan. Well they have patients that come in on a case to case basis. They counsel the women and help women that are pregnant. They first see if they can set a plan for the women to keep the child and if the mom states she can not have means to keep the child then they start going through the adoption process. Well the agency said they have been slow the last 2 years and how last year they only have 3 children adopted. They only do adoption in the surrounding area of the agency is why the numbers are lower but it is local. They said that the baby's have not been coming in till the end of summer which I thought was weird. But sorry my point and getting to the good news we already had one mom come in and give her child up for adoption last month and she choose someone that already had a child because she wanted her child to have a sibling. Then I was just told yesterday that 2 more people came in for possible adoption and they are in there 2 and 3rd month. The one is young and is not sure but is being counseled and it sounds like she is leaning toward adoption and the anther women is married and is getting serious about adoption I was told. That makes me feel good because we have more chances and the women are coming in earlier in the year then years past. We are 1 of 6 people who are first time parents waiting then there are 5 others that are 2nd time parents. Which it is unfortunate that I was told usually when the mom looks at our profiles they choose the first time parents first. Although the women last month did choose someone that already had a child. Well that makes me feel good about the odds it makes me feel bad for the 2nd time parents because how long they have been waiting too. But at the same time I have never had my chance to have a baby and they have at least experienced that. I always told Tim (my husband) that I wanted 2 children a boy and a girl but now after all that we have been through if I only had one I would be on top of the moon regardless if I can only have one and regardless of the sex of the baby. Yes they would probably be spoiled rotten if they were the only child because on top of being the only child they would be the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Which would be exciting. The other issue is my social worker also told everyone to be ready for meeting the expecting mom and to be ready for the questions they ask which is nerve racking. You want to answer them honestly but at the same time you want them to like you from meeting the first time which is a lot of pressure. My other issue is I need to complete my scrap book. My social worker told me we all need a scrap book of Tim and myselves life together. I started this scrap book in the summer when we started the adoption and still never completed it. It was 20 pages and I have 5 more pages left that now I am also going to have to try to complete this weekend as well. I am doing the scrap book by hand and this is the first one but I always loved doing artsy stuff so I take a long time on it. Well have have pages of Tim and I as baby's and pictures of then and now with our siblings, I have a picture of our friend and called it our circle of friend. I also I have a picture of our families and named it family ties and tied the pictures and letter together. It is really cute and those pages were easy but the ones that are taking me so much time are the pictures of Tim and I together. Last night I completed or wedding pages but that took close to 4 hours to do. I feel like those pages with us on it are the hardest. I want them too look and show our love but I don't want it to be to over the top or sappy. I am trying to make it interesting. I have a page of just us at the base ball game that is cute but the ones were we are loving with hugs and posing are kind of hard so wish me luck this weekend. Well I have to go so I can get started on the scrap book but I will keep you posted on what happens and if we have an interview or not. Thanks for the thought and the prayers.